Oct 30th, 2020 Check Up – Year 2, Month 7

October 30^th, 2020

I wish I could say that my appointment on the 30^th went better than on Oct 2^nd. It didn’t. I felt like two piles of major dog doodoo, inflamed what felt like everywhere, could barely stay awake, slept in the car on the way to and from the hospital to see my oncologist. 

I had PT that morning at 9 a.m. Did I shower or wash my face? Nope, and I rarely skip either of those, especially on PT days. I brushed my teeth and left. I arrived in tears at the PT clinic. I hurt so bad. My therapist stretched me gently, and we didn’t talk much. I felt much better and left smiling, not grinning, mind you, but also not crying anymore. 

For work, I had two phone meetings to get through: one at 10 and one at 11:30. I sat at my desk for the first one because I needed to take notes. I took the second phone meeting while lying down in bed. I appreciate working from home even more on days when I feel super yucky. No one knows I’m lying down or don’t feel well, unless I say something. I can usually hide my pain with my voice and tone with forced but still sincere excitement and engagement from me, no matter what! I clocked out immediately after the 2^nd call and started to get ready to drive to the hospital. 

I pep-talked myself about driving to the hospital and whether or not I thought I could without falling asleep. Husband knew I didn’t feel good. At all. It’s pretty obvious how I feel when I go back to sleep in the morning after getting up with the dogs, and go back to bed after PT. 

As I was packing my backpack, he came out and asked if I needed him to drive me. I had been this close to asking him. It would have either required getting up (nope!) or hollering for him (no energy for that either.) I suppose I could have texted. Anyway, “YES!” I said. 

We made it to the Cancer Center at the hospital. I took a short-term painkiller after my blood draw.  I had started taking a 12-hour, time-released painkiller the day before, and the 30^th was Day 2. It is intended to ease my chronic pain from radiation in addition to short-term painkillers, taken as needed. And no more magical steroids. I tapered off them. I felt happy to sleep and not be up at all hours. I missed feeling so amazing and energetic though. Omg, the house had stayed so clean while I was on steroids!

***TMI warning***

In addition, about two weeks before this, I had started seeing blood in my urine. Yes, it’s alarming and could mean something or it could mean nothing. Oncologist ordered additional scans and referred me to the Urology Oncology clinic. 

I could barely keep my eyes open during my appointment with my doctor. I nodded off every chance I got. He’d never seen me that way. 

CEA inflammation marker had increased to 218.  I wasn’t surprised based on the way I felt. Doc ordered my usual quarterly scans of Chest and Abdomen CT, brain MRI, and an additional CT to check out my kidneys, ureters, and bladder. “See you in two weeks,” he said. “Mmhmmkay,” I replied and tried to focus my eyes on him. 

Next, I went down the hall for my bone-growth stimulating shot, then it was back in the car to go home for, thank goodness, more sleep! 

Year 2: Six-Month Check Up and Radiation Update

Between two weeks of radiation treatment and our remodel, my check up for September got delayed. Here’s why:

– Radiation causes inflammation to increase, so we delayed my appointment to give my body a chance to calm down. The appointment was right in the middle of 2 out of 5 treatments.

– We had a COVID scare. Our contractor’s son got into a motorcycle accident, and upon hospital admittance, got tested for COVID. Results came back positive, and he had been asymptomatic. Since the contractor and his son live in the same house and had both been in our house recently, my nurse advised me to wait two weeks to come in for my check up. We held off on remodel work for two days while we waited for our contractor’s results for COVID to come back: Negative!

So, I had radiation treatment to my T6 and T7 vertebrae every other day starting the week of September 14 through the 25th. The treatments didn’t last long, and the techs and I had a whole lot of fun. I shared pictures of our puppy with them. We talked about our kids and dogs. And we listened to fun music – patient’s choice every time! For my last session, I requested Britney Spears “Stronger” as my first song. It. Was. Awesome! Three Britney songs later, I was done with all my treatment sessions. I felt great throughout all of the treatments! Maybe a little tired and definitely tired of all the driving – basically 45 minutes to an hour each way to the hospital, depending on traffic, and traffic is easy during COVID comparatively speaking.

And then….

The radiation after-effects kicked in the next week. And I felt yucky, very inflamed in the back. Walking felt jarring. Walking is supposed to keep the fatigue from radiation at bay, and I couldn’t even do that. Still can’t without ramifications. It just hurts. I feel the best for the first few hours of every day. By 10 or 11 a.m., I have to start managing pain with small doses of painkillers. I made it to 2 p.m. one day earlier this week and later realized that I went too long and spent the rest of the day trying to get ahead of the pain again. It’s all temporary and sometimes frustrating. I still look forward to the end result and hope I mentally blasted all those cancer cells out and am focused on healing the tissue.

I went to my monthly check up on October 2nd. It was a Friday, and Fridays tend to be my worst days pain wise. I had felt icky the day before with a headache that wouldn’t quit and like my whole back was on fire and tingly, in the pokey way, not the fun tickley way. The nurses had trouble getting my blood, even though I had had a lot of water, been up all night peeing, and skipped my coffee. When I went back to the appointment room, I started feeling even worse, like my stomach felt unsettled. I watched a funny Stephen Colbert video that Husband sent to me to cheer me up, could barely muster more than a slight smile, and right after that, I ran down the hall to puke.

I’m not a puker. I haven’t puked since I had radiation to my spine last year. And before that, it had been 8 years.

My doc came in (the female one this month) when all of my blood panel results showed up in my file. She took one look at me and said, “You don’t look like you feel very good.” I told her I didn’t feel very good and had just lost my cookies.

She asked if I had been taking my steroid for inflammation, and I told her I hadn’t in a couple days. She said to go home and take half of one and lie down for the rest of the day. Yes, doctor’s orders to take the day off! My favorite! Blood results looked good, aside from the expected inflammation marker being a little higher.

She brought me a big cup of water with crushed ice and wet a washcloth for me. I chugged about half of the water and plopped the warm cloth on the back of my neck. She told me that I could stay and rest as long as I needed to in the appointment room, to take my time leaving so I could make it home. For my ride home, she handed me one of the hospital barf bags, which are my favorite barf bags of all time! No splash-back!

Peeps, it’s the little things sometimes.

I had been trying to make a phone meeting that morning for work, too. Everything ran late at the hospital, I got sick when the call was going on anyway, and I missed it. I really needed and gave myself permission to take the day off. Even my boss’s voice was going through my head, “If you need to take time off, just let me know.” I texted him that I didn’t feel good and needed to rest that day. He totally understood, and we checked in at our usual Monday morning meeting a few days later when I felt like my usual self again.

I really wanted to be the person that kept feeling good through radiation and after. Reality is that radiation is tough. It takes its toll, and all I could really do was roll with the punches.

I spent Saturday lying around and not eating much because still, the stomach, it wasn’t quite right. I’ve been taking my steroid for inflammation daily since last Friday, and I feel a ton better. The funny thing with the steroid is that it increases anxiety and insomnia. I’ve had to balance that out by taking my anti-anxiety medicine, prescribed for insomnia, in order to sleep more than two hours at a time. Again, it’s temporary. Lying in bed awake from 12-4 or 5 can be a little frustrating and prevent healing, so I’ll the anti-anxiety pill for a few weeks, thank you very much. Modern medicine is amazing!

I’m still managing quite a bit of inflammation, taking pain pills when I need them, spending time on my heating pad daily, and in general, listening to when my body says to rest. Usually I wait until it says, “STOP!!!!” This is progress! I’m proud of myself! 😀

I figure I have another week of managing inflammation, according to my radiology oncologist. If it lasts longer, that’s ok too. I can get a refill on the steroid and anti-anxiety pills. No big deal!

Physical therapy is still going well. I go once a week and get everything reset and stretched in my neck, back and hips. My muscles always open up and stop holding on so tight… for a little bit, anyway.

Our kitchen remodel and living room improvements finished this past Monday, right before family got here. We are so happy we did it! We have room for all of us and guests and can have audible conversations no matter if we’re in the dining room, kitchen, or living room. When’s COVID over? I’m ready to have a Friendsgiving party!

The puppy is growing like crazy! At five months, he is almost as big as our older dog. We just had family in town for a couple of days, including our infant and 5-year-old niece. The puppy did so well learning to be gentle and not knock over the baby with his affection. We were all good about picking her up quickly too, or just letting the dogs hang out outside where we could go play with them. I really enjoy having little ones around.

Sometimes I wish I had waited a bit longer to become a mother or had a second one later on in life because I think I would do a better job now than I did then. I know I would. I have more compassion and understanding toward myself and kids and life now than I did as a naive 26-year-old. On the other side of the coin, I am glad I have a 15-year-old and cancer, rather than a 5-year-old and cancer. Just sayin’. I think that would be hard! So, to all you parents with cancer and younger children, you are amazing and strong every day!

Much love to you all and remember to give much love to yourself!

You deserve love, health, and happiness! Say it with me! I deserve love, health, and happiness!

Until next time…sometime on or soon after October 30th! Mwah! XO!

Counting the ways I’m grateful for COVID-19

This is just a start.

Little Guy is doing remote learning online through his school. Full-time. It’s not worth the risk to me to send him to school when I’m a high-risk individual. I’m working full-time from home with Husband, so the first thing I’m grateful for is:

-Spending more time with my family. I love that Little Guy and I can run to get lunch together and that we all three share the responsibility of taking care of the puppy during the day.

-Better communication. Being remote means I rely heavily on communicating via phone, email, and instant message with my work mates. Also, taking care of the puppy means we all communicate at home more about who has what meeting and when or classes and breaks. Also, during breaks from his classes, Little Guy will often come and talk to me during those while I’m working. I’ve really enjoyed it!

-Virtual learning and fundraisers. I attended a work conference remotely. It was awesome. I didn’t have to go anywhere or get dressed up. I learned a ton, and could playback the presentations for better understanding. I attended a virtual fundraiser. They should all be virtual. Non-profit doesn’t have to pay to plate lettuce and rubbery chicken to attendees. Very low cost to it and big response donor-wise.

-Being able to take naps at home while I’m working from home. When I work at the office, I have to clock out and escape to my car for some mid-day shut eye. Now, I can just clock out and lie down in bed! 🙂

-No commute. I’m not as tired at the end of the day from spending 2 hours a day in my car. Dinner is made earlier, and I have time between 5 and 6 to lie down on the couch and rest before I start to cook. Also, less wear and tear on cars and the roads, and less pollution.

-Working from home allows me to schedule physical therapy, doctor’s appointments, radiation, etc… whenever. It counts as my lunch, and I make up any time I missed on Saturday morning, which is always a great time to support my staff online, too!

-I can work outside if I want to. ‘Nuff said. Laptop, Spf 50, water and a hat!

-COVID has brought more awareness to hygiene. Love it! Washing hands with soap is my favorite!!! Everyone should do it! All the time! Yay!

-Black Lives Matter movement got some momentum! With a lot of people unemployed or working from home, it has allowed more conversation about US history and how to be anti-racist and make our country accountable for its current racial bias and the police brutality that has accompanied that. We can do a whole lot better! I’m excited for our country to tackle this issue and improve ourselves.

-We could also do better managing the spread of COVID, but you know, some people out there won’t have their rights infringed upon by the government by following the mask-wearing mandate. God forbid that the country you serve asks you to do one little thing to protect others from a serious illness. I digress. Just…wear a dang mask! For those of us who have cancer or other conditions that compromise immunity, even though we look perfectly healthy, please, please, for the love of your country and your fellow Americans, wear a mask over your mouth AND nose when you’re in public. Otherwise, yer doin’ it wrong.

-Opportunity to let it go. I can only control the actions of myself. I have to let it go when others make choices I don’t agree with. Or find very polite ways of correcting people. Or just let it go. Let it go.

-No more antiperspirant! I switched to deodorant in March because I’m at home, so if I’m extra sweaty or stinky, who cares? Guess what. I sweat less and stink less now that I’ve switched. That’s just my experience.

-More time to learn, examine my thoughts, and enforce self-kindness, a daily struggle. It pays off though. I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts and meditations, especially at night when I go to sleep. The puppy doesn’t like the light on and won’t go to sleep if it is, so late night reading in bed is a thing of not-now.

-Appreciation for the good ol’ days when Husband and I went on our weekly dates to restaurants or a movie. We’ve been getting coffee together about once a week, and sometimes we’ll order dinner to go for the three of us. I look forward to when we can dine regularly again.

-More walks, especially now that we have the puppy. He has so much energy! With no commute, I have more time to spend exercising him and me.

More later cuz I can always find gratitude!

30-day challenge?

September is going to be busy, and I’m toying with the idea of writing every day for 30 days. It could be centering, or it could be completely overwhelming.

Reasons not to:

Radiation is coming up this month, and I don’t know how I will feel. My radiology oncologist told me to expect more back pain before a pain reduction, opposite of what I experienced last year. I might just be too tired.

We’re going to be remodeling our kitchen, getting new cabinets that have Lazy Susans in the corners and drawers that close and open quietly rather than squeaky wood on wood.

Husband and I will be sharing an office for 2-3 weeks during construction. Normally, I have my own space at the end of the dining room table. And the puppy will probably be in there with us a lot of the time, too. He’s adorbs and all, but he’s also a lot of work.

Reason to:

Get me off my phone. I just started a new book, and dang it, if Instagram does not completely suck me in and keep me from reading! The book is good, too!

Make time for me.

Sort through the feelings of September.

And get back to writing! 🙂 I really enjoy writing and would like to do it more often. I thought a 30-day challenge might be a good way. My mind is swimming with ideas.

It could work. It might. I want to do it. Anyone else?

Radiology Oncology visit Thursday, August 27th, 2020

I went to see my radiology oncology team this past Thursday. We’re going to radiate the T6 and T7 vertebrae again. This time will be a different method than the last, so instead of feeling a lot of pain relief quickly, this round will cause more pain and inflammation for the first couple of weeks and then improve. Whatever. Kill that crap! I’ve got everything I need to survive a few weeks of extra inflammation.

Painkillers? Check.

Steroids for radiation days? Check.

Anti-puke pills? Check.

Heating pad? Check.

And numbing patches? Check.

My boss has also said to let him know if I want to take a week off to recover.  I expect that I’ll be fine, but I told him that I would keep him in the loop. Again, I’m very grateful for who I work for and with and their understanding during treatments. Also, I have plenty of vacation time and personal time to use, so I’m not worried at all about losing any pay if I do need to chill for a week. 

Since I am at a teaching hospital, I get to participate in a lot of studies and opportunities I don’t know that I would get anywhere else. My other radiology oncologist called this past Wednesday and asked if I wanted to participate in a study where I get to view my scan result using Virtual Reality headsets and in 3D. HECK YES I DO!!! 

I got to view my first PET scan from March 2019. It. Was. Shocking. and Overwhelming. I stared at my lung tumor in its face, and dang, there was not a lot of room in there when it was a few centimeters big. No wonder I couldn’t breath.

I saw the lit up spots of cancer in every. single. vertebrae. Dang! No wonder I ate ibuprofen like candy, all day,  every day back then! 

I studied the cancerous regions in my hips/pelvic bone and the degeneration in the neck of my right femur at the hip joint.

In the PET scan result, it didn’t show the fluid around my heart and lungs, but I knew it had been there. 

And I understood. I finally understood in a more comprehensive way than I had before just looking at a 2D computer screen. 

I understood the concern and urgency that the doctors had to do femur surgery immediately, to treat my spine with radiation (thank goodness – it helped so much!), and to get me doing monthly bone growth stimulation shots. 

Even though I was the one in the ER telling the doctors that I was fine, this Wonder Woman was not fine, but I was going to be! 

I don’t know that had I seen that initial PET scan in 3D at time of diagnosis I would have believe that I would be fine without a LOT of encouragement and rallying from my new oncology team. I almost didn’t believe them then anyway. 

Modern medicine is bleeping amazing! And I am so grateful for it! And my doctors, and my life, and my family and the time modern medicine has given me through healing to have more time with the people I love. 

Truth bomb: Even on the days when I’m a little sick to my stomach (like today) and the days when my back really, really hurts, I’m still grateful to be alive and pretty darn content overall. Glad to be here still working on myself, and coaching my staff at work and trying to make the world a better, more positive place!

Oh shoot! I celebrated a birthday this month too! Husband and my son built me a sturdy, cedar planter for our patio. I’ll post a pic of it! Also, you’ll notice the grass changed. We got new sod today, and it’s so nice!!!

Year 2, 4th & 5th month check ups & scans!

I didn’t mean to miss the 4th-month update. We left for a camping trip right after my doctor’s appointment on July 31st. My CEA inflammation marker increased again, and my oncologist bumped up my scans to happen in August not September. 

Remember when I was supposed to have a PET scan in June and insurance denied it, so it didn’t happen? It really happened this time! I let my scheduler know to expect an insurance denial and that my oncologist had promised to call them and tell them why he ordered it. It worked! 

I had the PET scan on Monday, August 17th. My veins did not cooperate, and even though I thought I had had enough water the day before and all night, it wasn’t enough to provide a good vein for IV poking, at least in my arms. After the 3rd unsuccessful poke, I agreed to let them use my hand. For me, it hurts more on the hand than in the arm, so I don’t let nurses give up on my arms too easily. 4th poke worked great, and the nurse injected me with the very boring, clear radioactive fluid. I still think it should glow. Then my favorite part came where I get to lie down and do nothing for 30 minutes to an hour! 😀 

The scan itself didn’t take long. I moved on to my regular brain MRI after that. Those are so routine now. Thirty minutes with funny noises fly by! 

On August 21st, I had my 5th-month checkup. Veins didn’t want to play that day either, and I reduced IV poke attempts by 25%! Haha. They got me on the 3rd try, and had to go for the hand again. 😦 My oncologist had already released my scan results to me, and we went over them in detail. I video-called my husband, so he could be part of the conversation, too, and ask questions we had come up with and that I sometimes forget to ask. Also, it helps to have another pair of ears in the room to remember different details together later.

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PET scan showed that I have one area of cancer activity, as suspected due to the rising CEA inflammation marker. The active spot is on my spine, on the T6 vertebra. Called it! I knew it was going to be my spine again because I have pain there that hasn’t improved for a few months, even with physical therapy one to two times a week. I just didn’t expect it to be a place where I’d already had radiation, ablation, and kyphoplasty last year. I thought maybe my neck or just above the T6. All of the other tumors are still there but shrinking, so they didn’t show up on the PET scan. 

Brain MRI is still clear, same as in June. 

CEA inflammation marker had jumped to 20-something. 22? 25? I have forgotten, and I don’t have my phone nearby to check. It’s still remarkably low when you consider that at diagnosis, the marker was at about 1800. 

My oncologist said the next step was to meet with the radiology oncologist again, and see if we could treat the T6 vertebra a 2nd time. I got excited for more radiation! It knocks my pain down significantly. Off I went to get my bone shot and be done for the day. 

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Puppy update: He’s now 14 weeks and 2 days. It’s amazing how quickly he has grown and gone through different stages of biting. The little one and the older dog get along a lot better now versus a month ago. 

Vacation/Camping trip: We did it! We got away for a week and didn’t bring home COVID! I didn’t want to say anything until it had been 14 days, and we knew for sure. 

I had never been to the Tetons before, and they are stunning! I look forward to going back when we aren’t in a pandemic and the visitors’ centers are open, and I don’t curse at every person I pass who isn’t wearing a mask. Overall, we avoided people and crowded, popular places during high traffic times. We got in the freezing cold Snake River and swam in the comfortably warm String Lake one evening right before we grilled up some dinner. My husband had a rock climbing adventure that he expected would be 18-hour hike and climb and turned into a 36-hour grueling time on the mountain. He’s fine though. I had a great campsite and read a lot!!! We were really happy to see each other when he emerged from the trailhead!

Year 2, 3rd Monthly Check Up June 30th

Hello! June was an amazing month for me personally. I went for a little hike, a bike ride, and a big hike! I struggled with riding personal highs while the world put on Black Lives Matter protests that felt significant and serious. That’s goes for anything though, balancing the ups with the downs. 

For hiking, I just wanted to try. I have been doing PT for my back and hip since November, integrated my prescribed exercises when I gained some strength, walk frequently, and ride the stationary bike like a beast. I figured hiking was the next step, and it’s pretty challenging. I’m not so good with baby steps sometimes, and after succeeding at a little hike, Husband and I tackled a 14er (14,000-foot mountain) the following weekend. No, I didn’t make it to the top nor break any speed records, and it didn’t matter. The trailhead starts at 11,000 feet! I made it pretty far, about 3 hours of upward climbing with hiking poles, before my legs had enough. Husband continued another hour to the tippety-top, and I hiked back down to the car with the pooch. We both ate and passed out, yes, with the windows down. It took me about a week to recover from this hike. 

Husband is training for a big climb that he’s going to do in August, so he’s been hiking a lot and running. When he goes for runs, I ride my bike alongside him. If anything were to happen, he’s right there. It was his idea. He pitched it to me as a safe activity because he knows I am cautious about doing things that may involve collision or bones breaking while they’re regrowing and not as strong as they used to be. It’s gone really well, works my weaker right glute and hip muscles, and challenges me in a different way than riding the stationary bike. Also, I love my bike because it fits me so well, and it feels really encouraging to ride again! Wonder Woman! (I’m singing the theme song from the tv show in my head.)

Medically, it was scan month. Insurance denied the request for a PET, so I got my regular MRI and CT. I had to do them at two separate hospitals because the PET machine is down at the hospital where I normally go, so MRI had been scheduled for the morning at a new hospital across town, and because I react to CT contrast, my regular hospital squeezed me into the schedule in an afternoon slot, since the new hospital does not take patients with contrast allergy. Apparently, it can be pretty severe, so I am grateful it just makes my muscles cramp and gives me one of the worst headaches ever. 

If I could, I would go to the new hospital every time. That place is swanky! The lockers are like spa lockers with programmable locks where you choose your code. I got to pick a Pandora station to listen to during the MRI, though sometimes I couldn’t hear it over the MRI machine noises. The mask they put on my head in the MRI had a mirror, so if I weren’t so blind, I would be able to see the tech in her room. Also, the facility is small. I was the only patient as opposed to my regular hospital where they have 3 IV techs, and a waiting room with many chairs, not just one. 

My IV tech and I talked books. She also taught me a trick to get my veins to pop out by warming them up with a heat pack. She said that the body learns to protect itself, and when they know they’re going to get poked, they shrink. It validated all of the joking I have done about this because my veins hide every month when I get my blood drawn. She labeled my IV, so I didn’t have to poked again later that afternoon for my CT. 

CT scan went so much better this time with the allergy-fighting measures my doctor prescribed. I took 3 big prednisone doses starting at 2 in the morning, then 8, then 2 pm, an hour before my scan, plus a double dose of Benadryl an hour before too. Since this scan was at a different hospital, I had driven home, eaten a little, worked for about an hour, and had Husband drive me to the hospital per their instructions in case the Benadryl made me drowsy. It didn’t. Wonder Woman! JK. 

I have more anxiety than usual for about a week leading up to my scans. I don’t sleep a ton. I take anti-anxiety meds to help me sleep or at least calm down. I wake up super early, like 1 or 3 a.m. or I don’t go to sleep until midnight or 1. I hope this trend gets better as time goes on because I get scans every 3 months, so it’s not like they’re going away. I watched ‘Crazy Rich Asians’…twice. I turned it on one morning at 3ish and fell asleep about 20 minutes before the end. Little Guy and I were up late one night later that week, so I watched it again with him and made it through the whole thing that time. Awww, what a great story! Little Guy liked it too. I remember wanting to read the book when it came out a few years ago. 

I also had my first mammogram! My nurse last year who did my annual exam told me to schedule it before I came back in this year, so I pushed it out as farrrrr as I could. You know what? It was a positive experience! I talked myself through it. ‘I am at the best hospital. They take care of me here.’ My tech was awesome! She explained everything beforehand. I took a painkiller for my back beforehand because my nurse had warned me that getting a mammogram involves standing in some uncomfortable positions. 

On June 30th, I had my mammogram first, then blood draw and check up. I had a new nurse for my blood draw, and my veins hid so well that I had to get poked in both arms. My regular nurse wasn’t there. 😦 My veins don’t hide from her. My doctor was in a different part of the cancer wing because it was a Tuesday not a usual Friday appointment, so that was funny to track him down elsewhere. 

Results:

MRI – Clear! Itty-bitty tumors are gone. 
CT – Main lung tumor continues to decrease and now measures 10mm x 10mm, down from 13mm in March. 
Mammo – Clear! (got results this past Monday, July 13th)
Cancer antigen marker: Increased again by almost an entire point. PET scan ordered for September. 

My oncologist promised me he would call insurance this time and tell them why he wants a PET. He thinks I have a hot spot somewhere. Radiation is most likely the next step. It’s hard to put it out of my mind. I talked about it with my Palliative Care doc this past Tuesday. She is so reassuring and reminded me that if my doc thought I really needed to worry, he’d get that PET scan ordered for sooner than usual. It is on the regular 3-month scan schedule, and I can wait and celebrate little victories until then. 

If you’re still reading, we did one more exciting thing in June. We picked out another Australian Shepherd puppy to add to our family! I had a horrible back flare-up that day, took a dose of painkiller that was big enough to knock out the pain, then we drove north and played with two litters of puppies for an hour on a Sunday morning. We bring home the new little guy this Saturday. I’ll post a pic next month. I promise! He. Is. So. Cute!

Garden update: Some of it survived. Some of it did not. We have talked about building raised garden beds, so the dog can’t trample the plants when we’re playing with him. One lily plant is doing well. The other got beheaded by the dog, I think, so it’s just a stump. Hahaha. Mossy plant with tentacle-looking vines didn’t make it at all. Columbine needs more shade, so it shriveled up. Boxwoods are hanging on. Something is eating my flowers in the front yard, so I’ve been spraying them with a dish soap and water mixture every morning which has helped. 

Next check up is July 31. I hope you’re all doing well! Much love!

Jennifer

Death Date Dream

Friday morning, I woke up just before my alarm. I had just dreamed that I was going to die that day. I made preparations by writing goodbye letters to all of my coworkers, like big valentines with their first names written in large letters on tri-folded paper and sealed with a heart sticker.

The night before at bedtime, Husband and I snuggled and talked with our pink salt lamp glowing from his nightstand. We were talking about how amazing it is that we were both once in someone’s tummy and grew there. He was talking about how you go back and back and back in time to when we were just two cells, and before that, nothing – bliss. Dying would be the same, just bliss. Hypothetical, I know because we don’t really know about all that pre- and post-life on Earth stuff. It was a comforting thought to fall asleep to though.

I know that sounds weird.

Think about it. No pain or suffering. That’s all gone. Not that I’m rushing to my death bed. And as a cancer patient, I haven’t been told a death date. I’m still enjoying my life and living my best life. Thinking about death as just a slip into bliss makes is not so scary. I also made the point that life isn’t all pain and suffering. All of the enjoyment of little things makes up a lot of life, too. He agreed.

I told Husband about my dream tonight. We stayed up late talking and talking and talking. I’m still up. He got so excited and asked, “Did you die in your dream???” Lol. So cute.

I told him that I didn’t. In the dream, I put those letters to my coworkers on a wagon in a box to be distributed the next day, death day. Husband and I spent the rest of the day together. I don’t remember that we did anything more than that. I was going to say special, we didn’t do anything special, but spending time together is special and priceless and irreplaceable.

I woke up on Friday morning at 6:57 a.m., 3 minutes before our alarm. Husband sensed me moving around and cuddled me for another 20 minutes. I am loving this work-from-home situation! I was alive and ready for my coffee like all the other days. I wondered if anything would happen, but no, I’m still here. Went to physical therapy early that day. Worked all day. Had some phone calls. Talked to my boss about a staffing plan and addressing diversity. Picked up some take out from a Thai restaurant that evening. All very normal stuff.

Geez, you’d think I’m disappointed. I’m not. After thinking more about my dream tonight after Husband fell asleep in our tangly snuggle position, I realized that I hope I express all the things I admire about my coworkers and other people in my life, that I don’t wait until my dying day. I know that I do. My boss and I talk about it. I’m good at cheering people on and appreciating unique qualities. Not so good when I have to deliver criticism. I am working on that and being courageous enough to have tough conversations. I was reading ‘Dare to Lead’ by Brene Brown, but I can’t find it since we installed flooring in the bedroom last month, so it’s in a box somewhere. It’ll turn up.

Anyway, I’m grateful to be alive, yes with chronic pain and cancer and also with much contentment, more contentment than I expected and also all that I told myself I deserved. I’m grateful that it came to fruition. I’ll take all of my life’s challenges and triumphs and be grateful that they made me grow into who I am today as a person.

To quote ‘Game of Thrones,’ What do we say to death? Not today!”

Year 2, Monthly Check Up 2 and the Echo, Echo, Echo

I had my monthly check up last Friday via video phone call with my oncology NP. Blood draw the day before. My cancer antigen marker went up even more to 3.1 from 2.3. I really didn’t expect that and found it alarming, so I texted my oncologist right away. Last time I panicked about it, I waited until my appointment, and the doc told me to just text and not sweat things for so long. 

The NP put in an order for a PET scan for next month, instead of my regular CT. I told her I didn’t know the difference between them except a PET means I get to lie down in a quiet room by myself for a half an hour. Haha. She said that the PET is more sensitive, so it might show us if something is growing somewhere that we haven’t been able to see on the CT. 

I asked her if my expectation for the cancer antigen marker to level out was reasonable and what she expected to see too. Maybe I had been worried really over nothing and misunderstood. She said that they expect to see it level off too. I don’t know how long it can take for that to happen and thought that I would reach it after it bottomed out last winter. I guess not. It is still very, very low, and I’m grateful for that. 

Since I had fluid around my heart last year and Tagrisso, my targeted treatment chemo pill, affects the left ventricular ejection fraction, whatever that is, I get routine echocardiograms. I had mine on May 19th. I don’t get concerned about these anymore. I have been kicking my own butt on the stationary bike downstairs HARD! A little too hard a couple weeks ago. Made my whole body hurt. Oops. Anyway, I got a different tech this time. She was pretty serious. I always joke at the end about the tech checking out my breakfast because the last part involves pressing the wand against my tummy. I got a little laugh out of her. I was in and out in about 15 minutes, which I took as a good sign. The tech said I have a very photogenic heart. Thank you? 

My follow up appointment wasn’t for another week after the echo, so I expected to wait for results. My oncological cardiology doctor is more than on top of it. I had results from her that night that I woke up to see the next day. I love getting good news in the morning! My heart is clear and doing great, sounding great! I used to have an echocardiogram done every 4 months, then six months, now annually. It’s like I’ve graduated to the next level of health. 😀

I still had a follow up appointment with a cardiac NP on the 26th via video call. We had some technical difficulties. All went well eventually when we opted to just talk on the phone. She told me some signs to watch for that would mean a heart issue might have started, like unusual ankle swelling and shortness of breath. She said staying as active as I can will keep my heart healthy. 

Let’s see. What else? I’m still going to PT for my back and hip. Mostly the back though. Woof. Fridays are still my worst days, and I’ve been going on Wednesdays and Fridays the last two weeks. I’ve also learned that going in the morning is way more chill than the afternoons at the clinic. 

I’m still working from home and loving it. I feel like I can be everywhere I need to be and support everyone I need to support. When I’m in a location, I often feel like I’m in the wrong one because something will happen at another one. 

We have been digging up our grass and dead trees and planting plants in the backyard. We have so many weeds. Weeds and more weeds. I bought some vinegar weed killer yesterday cuz I’m not using any of that chemical stuff! I have organic fertilizer to try to get the grass to grow more and squeeze out the weeds in some spots. It’s probably a long shot. Also, all of the plants are experiments. Some will make it and some won’t. I’ve never been talented with gardening, and neither has my husband, so we’re learning as we go and having a whole lot of fun! We also see more fuzzy bumble bees and butterflies in the yard now, too. 

Alright, well, my painkiller is kicking in for my back that is so sore today after gardening and going for a long walk yesterday, and it’s time to start thinking about coffee and getting ready for work. 

Hope you all have a great day and enjoy the sunshine! I love this time of year! Mwah!

Heal Part 2

Husband and I talked about all of this when we woke up yesterday morning. He had wanted to know why I couldn’t sleep the night before, so I told him what had been on my mind.

He thought that I was blaming myself for cancer because there is no why. I know from experience how hard it is to let that go. If unresolved issues were to blame for cancer, we would know about it. I told him that I’m not looking at it as blaming myself. I feel like I have these mental burdens to work through and heal from, and that bottling them up may not have caused cancer, but they can’t be good to hang on to either. I want to work through them.

I’ve made progress. Forgiveness is hard. I have only started in the last year to feel compassion for my abuser from childhood. It’s not my fault. It’s not his fault either. I made a lot of progress in my grief over my first husband’s death, too. Going through the group therapy grief program last summer gave me a lot of tools and helped me heal more.

Anyway, Husband says that I suffer so much that putting the cause of cancer on myself isn’t going to help anything. That yes, forgiveness is hard. He is still working through his own issues and forgiving a couple of people for unintentionally harming him emotionally. He used the word ‘never’ and I know how that feels to find forgiveness incomprehensible. It took years to really, truly forgive Ex for killing himself. I could be understanding and compassionate but the final push to forgiveness? Tough. Achievable, but tough.

The gene that I have that mutated has always been there. I have always had it. We may not find out why it mutated. I know that research is going on to discover more about how lung cancer gene mutations work. I receive the best cancer care and participate in all the studies. I hope any data my case provides helps others in the future. Am I still going to explore other routes to heal? Yes. That’s why I go to physical therapy instead of getting the spinal nerve block that the pain clinic recommended. Meditation? Heck yes! The mind is powerful!

Most of all, I reminded myself that I am healing. I have healed so much since March 2019. Targeted treatment cancer drugs are very effective.

Husband told me yesterday morning that I’m inspiring. I’ve heard that before. It comes down to attitude, and I have an infectiously positive one.

Take care.