It’s the Most Horrible Day of the Year

Sing it with me! Everybody!

Five years ago today, my life changed forever. I woke up with that thought. I laid in bed and thought, ‘Five years ago right now, I found my ex-husband dead.’ The memories from that day came back. How I didn’t tell Little Guy. That I crossed paths with my roommate that afternoon and asked that she just be home. How I went home after picking up Little Guy from daycare and slapped on a smile because my roommate’s dad was in town and I didn’t want Little Guy to know what I had dealt with that day. How grateful I was that Little Guy didn’t wake up while I cried in bed in the middle of the night for I don’t know how many weeks.

I never look forward to this day every year. I especially didn’t look forward to it today because I didn’t have to go to work, as I have in years past. In some ways, I wished I had to work today. It distracts me from the sadness. In another way, I felt grateful to have a day off from work where I could cry and tear up throughout the day and pull off on the side of the road on my way to pick up Little Guy and cry so hard I thought I’d puke. I couldn’t have done that at work.

I thought today would be a double-whammy. Little Guy had gone camping with a group for bereaved children. Leading up to today, I don’t know if I found it ironic or appropriate or just plain bad timing that I’d be picking him up from this camp on the anniversary of his dad’s death. It really didn’t make it any harder to deal with the day. It still just sucked. And, of all the people who would understand, a group of widows would definitely get it if I showed up a little red and runny around the eyes.

When I pulled over on my way to get Little Guy, I stood in the rain. I let myself cry it all out. When I had calmed down, I closed my eyes and let the rain sprinkle my hot face. I told myself, “It’s going to be okay. I AM okay!” I smiled and got back in my car to continue the route.

I really am okay. Think of how far I’ve come since then as a person. Think of how content I am now with my life. And I enjoyed a whole weekend of going to the bathroom without hearing, “Mom?” midstream. Life is good.

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