I’ve made it. I’ve made it four years since Ex died. And I didn’t think it would be the way it is.
I didn’t think I’d have a love/hate relationship with my living situation. I love where I live, but not who I live with, except for LIttle Guy. I’m not saying it’s bad. I’m just saying that I have slept all night a handful of times since I moved in. So as long as sleep deprivation isn’t bad, It’s a pretty good place. Unfortunately, I value sleep as one of the essentials of life. Hmm. The location, though, I can’t beat it.
I didn’t think that I would have moved so often. I have lived in some pretty awesome places.
I didn’t think that my dislike for this town would return. For cultural reasons, it has. If I didn’t have my mom and a few good friends, I would need my faith in humanity restored. The sleep deprivation doesn’t help.
I didn’t think that full-time, single-parenting would exhaust me as much as it does. Don’t get me wrong. I love that I don’t have to share my boy. As a single parent, I expect more from Little Guy than I think I would if I had a partner to help me or even joint custody. I don’t see this as a bad thing either. I lose my patience sometimes. I have very little reprieve. I’m always tired. Even Little Guy knows that. The sleep deprivation doesn’t help.
Oh my stars, I have to move. Again! And it won’t be the last time.
I didn’t expect that the aftermath of losing Ex would make us so resilient, so strong, and so accepting that sometimes things change. Little Guy and I were talking tonight about the pros and cons of living where we do versus moving somewhere that would provide us with our own house for less than I pay in rent. And it would have doors! We would have access to more activities, even though we’d have to drive to find some slopes. How often do we really go boarding or skiing anyway?
I didn’t expect that LIttle Guy would still remember as much as he does about his dad. Everyone said he would forget. Maybe it hasn’t been enough time yet. Maybe it isn’t such a bad thing that he remembers more than experts told me he would. Maybe he shares more than other kids who have experienced loss of a parent at such a young age. Maybe he’s really lucky that he remembers so much.
I didn’t expect that I would feel grief, sadness, loss for so long. And I know that it’s okay that I do. My life has turned upside down in some ways and right-side up in others. I have challenges, like everyone does, but overall, I’m pretty happy. And Little Guy is too.
I’m just ready for a change of scenery and little frozen yogurt to go with it.
In memory of someone who would eat junk food every day, I will have a little treat myself today, think of Ex, and remember the good times.