Time Warp Mondays

I swear Monday mornings have a separate black hole that sucks time with twice the force. One minute passes like two. Simple tasks take 20 minutes, not ten. Coffee takes eight, torturous minutes to brew, instead of four. Making a simple lunch takes 15 minutes, not 7.

One recent Monday morning, I got up before 6 and got my coffee started, did some dishes, cleaned the cat box, made some lunches, and clogged the crappy toilet. (Haha, get it?)

The toilet at our new place has gravity challenges. It does not like much of anything to go in it. Having a child, the toilet always has too much in it. So, it wasn’t happy to begin with, and then I really pissed it off.

I had put too much in it.

It wasn’t that much, but it wouldn’t go down.

I put on my Super Mom Cape and got the plunger. Still nothing went down. By now, I had less than an hour before I had to leave the house to go to work, and I had to tell my kid that he had to wait to use the bathroom.

I got my toilet auger, and still nothing went down. In fact, the auger got hooked on something in the pipes.

CRAP!

I cleared out the bathroom. I knew that if I pulled on the auger and it loosened, shit was going to go everywhere. And I did NOT want it on my brand new towels.

With nothing but myself in harm’s way, I pulled on the auger. I put all my body weight against it like a body builder pulls a semi truck.

It didn’t move. I panicked. Twenty-five minutes until go time, and I had an unusable toilet in my new home.

I got online and looked up how to remove a stuck auger. It suggested turning off the water to the house, draining the toilet, then loosening the toilet bolts, lifting the toilet and unhooking the auger from the inside.

Oh dear stars, I thought. I can’t do that on my own. Are they friggin kidding me?

I thought of someone, anyone, anyone who could deal with my shit that I could call. I ran through the list and decided that was a last resort.

Then, I remembered that I had my Super Mom Cape on and with it comes Super Mom Powers.

I returned to the dung of a situation and decided to try jimmying the auger, like a plunger. I took a deep breath before entering, grabbed on to the handle and jimmied until beads of sweat dripped from my brow, yes, my brow.

I must have brought some Magic Buffalo Chip Spell with me in my Super Mom Cape because the auger unhooked itself and I lifted it out of the toilet.

PRAISE THE STARS!

I had rendered the auger unusable, stretched out and torn the plastic guard, but it came out!

I gave it a rinse and put it away, so I could plunge the clog free from the toilet and get on my way. The plunger worked and I vowed to always use it and nothing else and to never put my Super Mom Cape through such a trial again.

I promise. I promise I will plunge only from now on!

I still had 15 minutes to shower and get ready for work, in order to leave on time. Make that 13 minutes because I had to let Little Guy relieve himself first. “I can totally do this!” I told myself. “I can get ready in 13 minutes.  I’m Super Mom!”

I didn’t make the time limit, but a girl can do her best! I had a great story to tell once I finally made it to work, too.

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