Tears of Joy and Pain

I probably shouldn’t be listening to Maroon 5’s latest album, particularly the song “Sad”, but I am and lonely, and I don’t normally feel either of those.  If Adam Levine were here to wipe my tears, I would feel better.  Notice the absolute certainty in that statement.  

Breaking up with my man and moving tomorrow makes for a bittersweet situation.  Staying on good terms with the guy has made things easier. He helped me pack today.  We talked the whole time, and I felt alone after he left.  That moment sucked.  Sucked.  It sucked so bad that if I had the opportunity to move across the country, I would probably do it.  I have a moving truck tomorrow…

I find the feeling of failure as saturating as a doughnut in hot oil.  Everyone rooted for us, liked him and the three of us together.  It’s like I have two gaping holes in my heart, one mourning the loss Little Guy’s father coupled with the loss of someone who would have made an awesome step-parent and partner, who did make an awesome step-parent and partner, until he chose against it.  And I feel the loss for both me and Little Guy.  

I saw a post earlier that said that a father is someone who not only makes the child but raises him, and that made me feel doubly worse, or am I up to quadruple now?  If I am all that Little Guy has, then isn’t that enough?  Isn’t that pretty fucking awesome on its own?  Not just for me, and not to knock single dads.  Any single parent who does their best every day and loves and gives to her or his child is pretty fucking awesome!  I just felt the loss of this relationship a little more when I read the post.

My relationship with the latest man in my life has changed in good and bad ways.  I feel so deceived by him.  Maybe I deceived myself first.  I feel like he pretended to be someone else and I don’t know for how long.  It just hurts.  It hurts so bad that I don’t want to put myself in the position of getting hurt again any time soon, nor hurting anyone else either.  

As far as tears of joy, the move will be good and interesting spacially, but overall good.  I’m still looking forward to it, not so much the packing (which I should be doing right now), but the new place that will be mine and not “ours” and will have its own community and less isolation.  I look forward to leaving our place behind and putting down roots in my new place.

With a smile and a tissue in my pocket, I move forward.

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One Response to Tears of Joy and Pain

  1. lynnblossom says:

    You are not a failure. There’s no such thing. This situation just turned out differently than expected and that difference was harder to take.

    What you are is amazing and lovely and expressive and a butterfly kiss gift to everyone who knows you. Especially me, the one who was lucky enough to give birth to you. You have no idea how beautifully and significantly you have changed me and changed my life for the better.

    I want you to love yourself every minute of every day. As I do.


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