Beat Down, Light as a Feather

Last June, I relocated to live closer to work and give Little Guy the opportunity for a better education. I have not regretted this decision once. For the first time, I support myself 100%.

I do not miss driving 2 hours a day. I do not miss the treacherous, winding 2-lane highway I used to have to drive to get anywhere. I do not miss feeling so short on time all the time and never getting my son to bed on time because, it just wasn’t possible. I do not miss feeling so exhausted that I almost always fell asleep with my son and slept 10 hours a night when possible and feeling like I could barely keep up with life, the house, and those precious minutes of quality family time when I could actually pay attention, listen without a distracted mind.

I may still have a distracted mind, but I have more time. I have more time for family, myself, the house, and many more minutes of paying attention. I have gas in my car for 4 times the length of time that I used to. I fill up every 3 weeks, instead of every 5 days. I have trash service AND heat. Yeah, I know. It’s the little things, I tell you.

When I relocated back to where I started in CO, (okay better than where I started), people told me I would be back, back to where the wind always blows and time moves faster because, dammit, I had to drive when I’d rather do so many other non-stressful things, back to the community in which I had begun to raise my child.

Now that I have left that area, I can’t imagine going back. I can’t imagine having to go back to the house that I should never have bought and subsequently lost, the town that never changes, the people that go with worn out because it’s good enough, even though they can afford better, a poverty mentality my mom has called it. I can’t imagine going back to a town that makes me feel like gravity’s force doubles when I cross the county line, that makes me feel beat down, where I see people who feel beat down, heavy with dirt and hard lines in their faces and nothing much better to do than drink until it kills them.

I am not saying that I did not smile there. I am not saying I did not have friends and still do who live there. I am not saying that everyone there and everything there doesn’t or hasn’t weathered well. I appreciate the friends I made, the veil of naivete that thinned, the experience of life and the work opportunities I took. But I don’t miss it.

I am saying that I knew Little Guy and I could have a better life, and we do. We have more to do, more variety in our activities, more opportunities to try new things and most of all, more time to enjoy each other’s company. I have no regrets and no hard feelings against those who choose differently. This choice though has created a more rewarding life for me, for us. It has uplifted our lives and allowed us to struggle less. I appreciate where I’ve been because it has made me who I am. And I am a bird, light and strong, that glides with the wind.

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