For shits and giggles, I looked through all the photos I have on a social media website. I joined the site almost three years ago, or was it four? No, it was three. I straightened my hair more then and didn’t have one full-time job. It made me remember when life was different. I was married and worked many part-time jobs. The first profile picture of myself I took for that site, I took in the low light of the lamp that sat by the couch in our living room. I felt unsure and reserved about joining this site and letting people see that I hadn’t changed much.
Things are so different now. I have removed any photos of Ex-Husband from my albums. Now I want to make an album of just him on there. I have removed any photos of me with any past or present love interests and kept only the forever men, the male friends I have had forever. I haven’t downloaded photos from my computer to that site in almost a year.
When I joined the site, I didn’t know what a smart phone was. Are you saying I had a stupid phone? Huh? Are you? I knew people would update statuses from their phones, but how did they do it? I now have a smart phone and send photos from my phone to the website. Amazing! I swear it does everything but clean my house and cook dinner and take care of my child, which makes me wonder what good the damn thing is afterall.
I know three years doesn’t seem like a long time. My life has changed so much in that time that sometimes it feels like 20. I refer to my married life as my past life. We were together 10 years and married for 8. Something like that. I prefer not to think in too much detail about it. Since then, it’s been a whirlwind of change that leaves me thinking a lot about what I want in life and where I want to live and why I don’t make impulsive decisions about much of anything.
Life before I had a child falls into past-past life, a life when I was married and worked all the time and did theatre and dance classes and went running with two different running partners at least three times a week, and sometimes we all three ran together. God, I had so much freedom! Yet, I still had my hands bound by that marriage thing and having to consider (or not) another person. Usually I did whatever I wanted to do whether he liked it or not. He was so controlling that he usually didn’t like whatever I chose that took me out of the house. Another play? Another class? Another job? Another haircut?
If I hadn’t felt like such a caged bird, I may have wanted to fly less. If only I had realized that I wanted to be away from him so badly, I would have left earlier. I flew when I was ready, and I had regrets on all sides. I had gains on all sides. Now, it is my life and I have the freedom (aside from that full-time parenting thing) to change it to what I want, and it is what it is. May as well make the most of it.