Talk Thursday – I Remember When

For shits and giggles, I looked through all the photos I have on a social media website.  I joined the site almost three years ago, or was it four?  No, it was three.  I straightened my hair more then and didn’t have one full-time job. It made me remember when life was different.  I was married and worked many part-time jobs.  The first profile picture of myself I took for that site, I took in the low light of the lamp that sat by the couch in our living room.  I felt unsure and reserved about joining this site and letting people see that I hadn’t changed much.

Things are so different now.  I have removed any photos of Ex-Husband from my albums.  Now I want to make an album of just him on there.  I have removed any photos of me with any past or present love interests and kept only the forever men, the male friends I have had forever.  I haven’t downloaded photos from my computer to that site in almost a year.

When I joined the site, I didn’t know what a smart phone was.  Are you saying I had a stupid phone?  Huh?  Are you?  I knew people would update statuses from their phones, but how did they do it?  I now have a smart phone and send photos from my phone to the website.  Amazing!  I swear it does everything but clean my house and cook dinner and take care of my child, which makes me wonder what good the damn thing is afterall.

I know three years doesn’t seem like a long time.  My life has changed so much in that time that sometimes it feels like 20.  I refer to my married life as my past life.  We were together 10 years and married for 8.   Something like that.  I prefer not to think in too much detail about it.  Since then, it’s been a whirlwind of change that leaves me thinking a lot about what I want in life and where I want to live and why I don’t make impulsive decisions about much of anything.

Life before I had a child falls into past-past life, a life when I was married and worked all the time and did theatre and dance classes and went running with two different running partners at least three times a week, and sometimes we all three ran together.  God, I had so much freedom!  Yet, I still had my hands bound by that marriage thing and having to consider (or not) another person.  Usually I did whatever I wanted to do whether he liked it or not.  He was so controlling that he usually didn’t like whatever I chose that took me out of the house.  Another play?  Another class?  Another job?  Another haircut?

If I hadn’t felt like such a caged bird, I may have wanted to fly less.  If only I had realized that I wanted to be away from him so badly, I would have left earlier.  I flew when I was ready, and I had regrets on all sides.  I had gains on all sides.  Now, it is my life and I have the freedom (aside from that full-time parenting thing) to change it to what I want, and it is what it is.  May as well make the most of it.

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