The sun peeks over the mountain. The aroma of fresh-ground coffee strikes my nose in greeting. I feel grateful to have regained some sense of smell in the morning. Soon, I will move and have all of my mugs. I once gave up some mugs. Ex-Husband found my mug collection excessive, so I let some of them go. I miss maybe one or two, and the rest were excess. I look forward to finding out which ones I still have when I get them out of storage and unpack them, but I wish I had bargained more about that mug donation. I found Ex-Husband’s clutter excessive. Had I known about his extensive tool collection or shit-that-didn’t-work collection, maybe I could have bargained better about him letting some of that go. I accommodated, and I didn’t bargain.
I have found my grief has taken the form of a knife or something else sharp that stabs me when I least expect it. (I still have my elephant sometimes.) It doesn’t hurt long. I have had moments of guilt that pass like clouds on a windy day. I find myself bargaining with me. If only I hadn’t left him, this and that and that wouldn’t have happened. But I would have stayed married and miserable, so I know I did the right thing by choosing my own happiness.
I used to know for sure that he would end his life. Maybe I have more past hope that he would have gotten help for his depression and found treatment that worked. He could have tried harder in life in so many ways. Oh, am I trying hard enough? Maybe I don’t try hard enough at some things. No, I really do all I can do, all I can handle for this one person, and from what I hear, I do it well. It might take me longer than usual to complete certain tasks, but I get them done….sometimes a few years later.
Oh dear god, the first sip of coffee tastes amazing, even though it has lost most of its heat.
I have started running again this year. It falls into the category of something I do just for me. It gives me time alone and time to think or zone out or think of funny things or focus on my breathing and appreciate my own strength. I can run faster and longer than I thought I could. I only have my lunch hours on which to run, but I make the most of them and still get to eat lunch afterward. It makes me feel strong and like I take care of myself and do something I like to do. Yes, I’d rather be dancing, but that takes way more fineagling of my schedule and finding someone to watch the wee one, and it takes me away from him. I already feel like we don’t spend enough time together, and I’m pretty sure he feels the same way.
Little Guy and I spent Wednesday and Thursday of this past week at home together while he had something contagious that I have not caught so far. We had a wonderful time. We read books, played outside, walked the dog we’re watching, and even though I didn’t want to touch him much, I still held his hand and snuggled him to sleep each night like I always do. I cooked a lot and pre-made dinners for two nights for us, cleaned the kitchen, washed all the dishes after I used them, and ate ALL of the chocolate chip cookies I had left for us from baking five or six dozen in the middle of the night, early Wednesday morning. Oh yeah. They tasted good.
I made cookies for the teachers for Teacher Appreciation Week. I gave half the batch to the teachers and kept the rest to do with as I chose. Gulp. Grin. I shared some cookies with Little Guy and gave some away to a few friends. Well, I baked a whole batch and no one needs five dozen cookies when a whole school of parents has made other desserts and sandwiches and whatever else the PTO asked them to bring.
Anyway, even though Little Guy and I couldn’t go anywhere for two days, we had fun at home and had the fortune of weather warm enough that we didn’t have to wear mittens with our coats and hats. Not wanting the fun to end, Little Guy asked, really tried to convince me, that he could come to work with me yesterday. Awww, buddy. I love you, too.
It appears that I have the good fortune of a son who has not woken up before 6 a.m. on a weekend morning which has allowed me to write this and have some quiet before we start the day. Thank you. Some mornings, I need this and steal it away like all those precious moments I steal with him. One day, he will not want me to snuggle him to sleep. I intend to eat up every wonderful minute we have together where he wants to be near me, as if each moment were a bite of homemade, chocolate chip cookie.