Water

Last night, I dreamed about water.  Water meaning change.  I’m moving in less than 2 months. Yep.  I’m going to do it, and it’s going to be great and comforting and relieving to have more space.

I have relationships on the brain in my anti-commitment state-of-mind.  I can commit to me and Little Guy and that’s about it.  I had to break a heart or two in the last month, okay week, okay same damn day.  Talk about needing some space.  I feel like it’s all in the air, moving like water.  I’m not going to obsess about it.  I’m going to just be.  No jumping, no impulsiveness, and no over-thinking.  Yeah, right.  I’ll give it a whirl.

I need space to think and grieve.  I went to a grief group tonight.  No regrets!  I needed that.  It’s going to get better.  I’m going to get better.  It will take action on my part to clean house and move forward.  We did some work on releasing the trauma of seeing my dead Ex and the intense sadness I felt over his death.  I felt almost buoyant afterward.  It was helpful to learn about healthy grieving and not feel like the biggest dork on the boat.  We were all on the same boat, so I didn’t feel dorky.

I’m still not drinking, and with all the crying and things on my mind, that’s been a good thing.  It is a change.  I threatened to give up sugar next because of my skin troubles, but one thing at a time and that may be taking things too far.  What would I eat during times of stress without my trusty chocolate bar at my side in my desk drawer?  Well, I’ve survived this week, so far…  Maybe it’s because I have spent a lot of this week in fantasy land.  It’s very pretty there, and I have control over everything.  La la la…

Seriously, though.  People in Japan have lost their entire families, and that’s gotta suck.  I have nothing to complain about in comparison.  On the other hand, it’s not fair to compare, and loss is loss.

I am thankful for my life and, this week, special thanks goes out to my parents who raised me right.  I am thankful for my mom who supports me no matter what.  I am thankful for my friends who are not afraid to discuss my grieving with me.  I am thankful for the peacefulness I felt when I looked at the stars tonight and listened to the clucking stream.  (Yay, the ice is melting.)  I am thankful for the bed I sleep in.  Good night.

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2 Responses to Water

  1. Cele says:

    You sound as if you’re on the road to recovery. Althought I am getting Talking Heads sounding in my mind…

  2. lynnblossom says:

    I’m so glad you called me that night. I happy that you watched the stars for while. I’m grateful that you are my daughter. I don’t see you enough and I can’t wait for spring.

    How’s the kid’s head? All healed?

    I love you both so much, but you will always be my little Koala Pumpkin Doodle even though you’re all grown up and dealing with all that grown up shit. Wear your emotional/mental hip boots and just wade through it. The smell dissipates.

    Mommmmmmmmmmm

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