So my counselor is an Aries, like Ex-Boyfriend and his mom, not a Gemini, but wouldn’t that have been a weird coinky-dink if she were? I had a great session today with her that seemed to take forever, and I loved it. Usually, it goes too fast. I wasn’t a complete wreck afterward and felt a lot better, thank goodness. And, yes, my hair looked great, though shorter than I expected.
Mostly, I feel validated in that I have pain (don’t we all?) and that is okay, and I’m feeling the double-whammy of my relationship ending and having the space and time, now that I live alone, to grieve over Ex-Husband and deal with everything else, the estate, mothering, work, etc. I have a road ahead of me in getting to a better place with the image that haunts me, but I can do it. I’m going to do it in celebration of Ex’s life and with Little Guy. It almost sounds like fun. I also learned that when I think about Ex, I think about his death. When Little Guy thinks about him, he thinks about his life. I will focus on Ex’s life. I will heal on my own timeline and however long that takes is okay. After reviewing the stages of grief, I know that I’m nearing completion.
The counselor also told me that with the changes of the last year-and-a-half, any relationship would have been lucky to survive three moves in 6 months, going from joint custody to full, and both Ex-Boyfriend and I changing jobs, plus a grieving partner. Okay, it was harder than I give myself credit for and maybe I feel less surprised that our relationship ended after hearing that. At the time of the breakup, I was surprised, but after seeing it from the counselor’s point of view, not so much. Hm, thinking, thinking, thinking. I also felt how powerfully I dig my heels in against getting back together with Ex-Boyfriend.
Oh, and I haven’t even heard from him today, so I think the feeling may be mutual, and I didn’t get invited to birthday dinner because how can I do anything with Ex-Boyfriend if I have Little Guy with me and need notice to have someone watch him? At 4 o’clock today, Ex-Boyfriend hadn’t decided what he wanted to do with just his mom for his birthday if anything. She said it was good that she didn’t have any set plans tonight, otherwise there’d be trouble. With me, no notice = no plans. I’m relieved that I didn’t get included. It sounds as uncomfortable as an atomic wedgie.
I probably didn’t get invited because he heard that went all impulsive and shit last Wednesday night, in front of his mom and all the girls and the rest of town. Yep, that’s the truth. And I was supposed to be willing to try to work things out with Ex-Boyfriend and tote a large satchel of hesitation. That’s what I said the week before anyway. My actions proved how I felt about that. I had one beer down, and I went out of my element and smooched someone (DUMB, DA-DA-DA DUMB!), not even with tongue, just on the lips, but it’s a small town, and I’m sure the story goes differently now than what really happened. We’re probably getting married and having kids next week, but I don’t know it yet, since I don’t go to the bar. After that night and the panic attacks, I decided not to drink in mixed company until I know I can control my impulses, and therefore decided to not drink at all for a while. Besides, I just cry more when I drink, so how ’bout I hold off until I stop crying so often? It’s been going on sporadically since the Super Bowl, and since I seem to cry once every few months, more than that seems odd, but I have been grieving over Ex. I think a glass of wine with my mom would be acceptable. That would not be mixed company. Then, I could ask her to hold me until I feel better, if I do cry.