After studying a few of my Gemini friends, I have changed my mind on them. I like Geminis. I thought I didn’t because I had married one, and we all know how I felt about him. I realize now that yes, he was a Gemini, and a good one and a good person, but he had mental health issues that did not have anything to do with his Gemininess. Those issues ruined his character for me. Godlovehim.
I have grief counseling tomorrow. I have a haircut appointment right before too. Logic: I may be a wreck after counseling, but at least my hair will look fabu! Hahaha. I still want to go to counseling, and I still don’t want to go. I know I’ll be better off by going. I’m going to pack a box of tissues for the car ride home. I wonder if my counselor’s a Gemini…
I have the opportunity to move into a Gemini’s home. I have made a pro/con list about moving to a this new home. I would have more space and room to entertain, a washer and dryer (how convenient!), and could have my crap and Ex’s crap out of storage. It sounds therapeutic getting all my stuff in one house and going through it. I would also have to tend a fire in the winter, and the worst part, move, but that’s only one day. I promised that I wouldn’t move for a year, and that year’s up in a week. I can afford it, but I will be as stretched as I am now financially. I can’t make a damn decision and have almost flipped a coin to decide. I can’t make heads or tails of it. (Insert knee-slap here.) I guess it makes sense to move.
Thank you, Cele, for telling me to walk from this dragged out relationship. I know I need to, but working up the nerve to walk for good takes a lot of courage on my part. I am a Leo, and I should have plenty. I will find it, and let it roar with gentle fierceness. Tomorrow’s his birthday, dammit, and it seems like every time a final decision comes around, the timing sucks. I guess I could stop taking so long to make decisions, but that wouldn’t be like me.
So far tonight I have not washed my dishes, changed my sheets, or cleaned the cat box, but I have stress eaten through numerous healthy and unhealthy but all very satisfying foods. The lightly salted cashews tasted great after the double chocolate muffin. I put away all the clean dishes, hand-washed and dishwasher-washed and danced in the kitchen. Now, I have blogged, and that works wonders for my mental state.
****
I have to wonder if Ex still communicates from the netherworld with me and Little Guy. He showed up in my dream a couple weeks ago. Yes, it was THAT kind of dream, and he whispered sweet things in my ear. Ever since I went to counseling, Little Guy has not needed to express any dad issues. I read into the dream and Little Guy’s non-dad playing that I’m doing things well handling our grief. I don’t know what to make of it all really. Maybe I’m still looking for Ex’s approval or encouragement or forgiveness when I need to give them to myself.
Without making note of it until I read “The Hour Before Dawn” blog, I noticed that the last image before I go to sleep is still of Ex’s dead body in the woods. It’s about the last thing I want to think about, especially then, but a year-and-a-half plus one day (but who’s counting?), here I am. I hope the image stops resurfacing and I can stop being so fucking mad that he did it. I’m less mad these days but still mad a little, not too much, more than I think. I have reached the point where I just feel cold when I think about it with a little bit of mad. If I had to give it a color, it would be a deep blue, like navy but darker, almost blackish grey-blue. Okay, I’m ready for my mom to come hold me now. Please. Except that it’s snowing, so I would have to go to her, and it’s already 11, so I wouldn’t get there until 1 a.m. Okay. Well, I’ll be okay. I always am. I’m strong like that. I have to go deal with some shit. No really. The cat box stinks.
Without further adieu,
Jenniphur a.k.a. Pro Pooper Scooper
First Position Parallel 
Wow.
Girl, you do sound like you need a hug. Sorry I can’t help with that.
As for the possible move, if it was the right choice, you’d know it. Maybe it’s the right choice, but not yet time… that’s important too! Listen to your heart.
And the Ex, and all that entails, being angry is a natural response. And I think that empty, numbness is a reasonable transition into whatever your next stage of grief will be. When my grandfather killed himself, I was angry for years…. of course, I do have to admit that I was a child and maybe lack of perspective led me to be angry for so long, but when I transitioned from anger.. there was that bit of emptiness before the acceptance kicked in. When my best friend died suddenly, I didn’t have anyone to be angry at… but I was numb for the better part of a year.. I wish the next step had been simple acceptance, but again, I was little more than a child…
I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is just a process. A completely natural process to a very traumatic and personal experience that you have the double trouble of healing in yourself, and your child.
You said, “Maybe I’m still looking for Ex’s approval or encouragement or forgiveness when I need to give them to myself.”
You need to evaluate every one of those things, why do you think you might need them from Ex and why can’t you give them to yourself…. ?
The road sucks, it twists and turns and is filled with potholes and washouts, but eventually it will smooth out. It just needs some maintenance.
Keep your head up!
What Psam said, give yourself time to reckon, heal, and renew – life is ever changing, we are ever adapting. The one thing you do know is you’re a survivor.
As a Gemini myself–nah, I won’t get into that here. Hugs, though.