For some reason, I have had Superfreak’s “Take the Long Way Home” in my head this week. I know it probably plays daily on the radio station that we listen to at work, then subconsciously moves in to my brain. I have had lots of songs stuck in my head, like Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now,” Carrie Underwood’s “Undo it,” and Elton John’s “Sad Songs” for when I’m grieving, into which I have entered another phase.
As far as taking the long way home, I remember being married and the ride home from work never took long enough. I think that is why I started stopping at the bar with Girlfriend after work on the weekends. It made the ride take a lot longer and was way more fun than going home to a big rain cloud of unhappiness. Yes, I know drinking and dancing away my sorrows may have not been the wisest choice. Nevertheless, I made that choice.
Sometimes I wonder if I always take the long way in life or if it just depends on the situation. I sold Ex’s truck to someone who lives in a nearby town. I remember how much it hurt to see that truck around town, and it still felt like Ex’s. It would weird me out. Now I see it, and yeah, it’s weird, but not as weird, and it doesn’t hurt (okay, this week) as much. It is someone else’s truck now, just a truck, and I waited a year for it to feel that way.
I started round two of grief counseling last week with the help of a local church. I don’t even go to church. They don’t even know me, and they’re still willing to help. I may start to go if they value the community and mental health that much. Anyway, after a series of new questions about his dad from Little Guy, which I had expected, I decided to seek a professional’s help again. I felt conflicted about how to handle things. I learned so far, that I have done a very good job at handling Little Guy’s grief, but maybe need some work on mine. I also learned that Little Guy can believe whatever he wants about his dad’s death for now with little to no repercussion later on my part. All the pretending he does makes him feel normal, and so I will continue to do that and see where he leads me.
I have to say that I feel thankful for living here by myself with Little Guy. I’m glad that Boyfriend moved out. I needed some space to grieve and to deal with Little Guy’s grieiving and not feel like we were being judged or criticized for needing that. I don’t want to feel self-conscious in my own home. And believe me, I don’t! Do I sing and dance while I make dinner? Yes, I do!
I will also address the breakup in counseling. The breakup has not been simple or clean-cut or anything short of complicated, uncomfortable, full of sensitivity, and just plain no fun, (aside from the three others I found to date). I have also entered Renegotiation #25 with Boyfriend or whatever he is. I’m seriously considering trying again with set parameters and no, ifs, ands, or buts about how I will and will not be treated. I has taken days to get halfway through this renegotiation, and I feel good but unsure and out of patience with certain things. It will be a long road, and I may feel like an idiot at times. All I want is to be happy. Could we find our happy pace and place again? I’m in no hurry to do anything these days, and have therefore taken over a week to think about trying again.
On a good note, I had my first big review at my new job, and things went great. I heard nothing bad and feel like even though I’ve worked there before, I took the short road to excelling professionally. Yay! A short road. They do exist. I feel appreciated at work and know that I do a great job there. That feels so good. Also, I’m not ruining my body to make a living. I don’t miss cleaning for a living, though I still do it on the side. I don’t miss rude customers bitching at me about their food or the wait for their food or taking care of 100 people by myself every day. I learned a lot and know I can handle a lot, so when I feel bogged down at work now, I look back and appreciate where I’ve been and where I am. Since I have regular work hours and more of them, I miss my son terribly during the day and feel like we have less time together, but I hope to change that before he gets to junior high.
After 10 days of being uncharacteristically impulsive, I have decided to stop drinking. Not that drinking affected my decisions or impulsivity or that I did it every day during Impulsive Week, but it didn’t help, and I cried due to my own grief and for my friend who just lost her father and the breakup/renegotiation and the guy who lived through a heart attack, told me about it, and reminded me how much I love my life every day. Drinking my one beer that (Wednesday) night only intensified what I was feeling. I still held back. I wasn’t completely overtaken by impulsivity. THANK THE STARS! I don’t do things well unless I have over-thought them at least twice. That night, I wanted to call Boyfriend, tell him I missed him, that I wanted him to come over and wrap his big, man arms around me til I felt better, and then he could go home. But I didn’t. I told him this later, the next day or yesterday. I don’t remember. I told him I didn’t want to ask him to come over or call him for the wrong reasons. He was upset that I was upset and didn’t call him to have him hold me like I had wanted and that I felt like that would have been a wrong reason. I didn’t call anyone that night, not even my mom, who I might have also begged to drive up here and let me sleep in her lap til I felt better, and if she never went home, that would have been okay.
That night, I had dinner with the girls, drank a beer, went home and cried after Little Guy went to bed. Then, Little Guy got up needing something. I fixed whatever it was, we blew our noses together, washed our hands, and I snuggled him to sleep, then myself and woke up at 11:30 to him whapping me in the head. So I got up and did some filing and went back to sleep around 2:30. Let me tell you, Thursday at work suuuucked. I could hardly wait to go to my St. Patrick’s Day dinner, where I thanked someone for not gossiping about me after she asked me where my other half was. Oh gosh. Gulp. Um. “You’re not together anymore?” she asked. I shook my head “no.” That was Thursday.
Today is a new, awesome day. I have already let Little guy paint my fingernails and toenails in a pattern. It was messy (on me, not on any thing) and took all his concentration to finish. I have a social event to attend tonight, and yes, I will be showing off my kid-customized digits. Right now, I have to send some letters to the government telling them that they can’t have any more of the money I raised by selling Ex’s stuff to pay his taxes because folks, they took it all already. Then, I’m going for a snowshoe in the sunshine because the sun is shining and I can.
Singing now “Sunshine On My Window” by Letters to Cleo. Cheers.