My non-relationship has grown on me a bit. I understand the grey area more than I did. I understand that Not-My-Boyfriend still wants to spend time with me and still likes me, he just doesn’t want to live with me. I don’t do grey area well. Things feel black and white to me, most of the time. He ended things. He said he wanted space, see other people, not have a girlfriend. They were really over to me, so I tried not to act too girlfriendy, check on him, ask too many questions that I feared the answers, though when I asked, I had nothing to fear. Well, as long as he told me the truth, which in truth, I may never know. I also have an issue with feeling like a free agent with strings, so in-between, but in-between what?
As soon as I seem okay with things as they are, I’m not. Then as soon as I’m not okay with things, I am. Taking a step back in a relationship has many challenges and adjustments that go along with it. I have thought more than once that it just doesn’t work! In a way, it kind of does. I still get to spend time with Not-My-Boyfriend and talk on the phone with him almost every night. I get time to myself and with my son by himself. I still get laid by Not-My-Boyfriend.
This weekend, he told me that he wants to start going to church, and I thought, ‘This is so over.’ I didn’t say that to him. I said, “Well, I’m not really surprised and go ahead. Try them all!” Then, he told me he’d like to move to another state. Not this year, but in a few years. I thought, ‘That ought to be interesting. We’ll either live separately in this other state, or it won’t matter because we won’t be together anymore. Whatever.’
When I see him at my place or his mom’s, things go well. I’m all for it. When we go out outside our community, same thing. All good. When we’re out around people we know in our community, it’s so not cool. It makes me feel like I’m wearing wet polyester with sequins that don’t match and corduroy pants that go zzzt, zzzt, zzzt when I walk. Awkward. When I spend a few days away from him, and we don’t speak, I get to the point of wanting to box up all of his things that he left here and leaving them outside, all except the valuables. Come on. I’d leave them boxed up safe inside my house and not out in the snow. Too nice. I know.
Up. Down. Up. Down. I don’t like the ride. It’s rough on me and sometimes, my heart still hurts. I have wondered if I choose to let it hurt, or if it really just hurts because going from a live-in boyfriend to a Not-My-Boyfriend takes more getting used to than I’d like. I want to feel stable and consistent. It might take a while. Have I ever achieved that? Mom?