W.T.F. – I had it coming.

He dropped his words like bombs on Saturday morning.  I had it coming.  He was done.  I hadn’t been talking to him.  He hadn’t been talking to me.  His phone rang at eleven-fucking-thirty the night before.  I couldn’t stay in that bed that night, even though I didn’t know who it was or what it was about.  It was odd.

So Saturday morning and evening, he laid it out on the table for me.  He’d been miserable the last 2 weeks.  He didn’t feel like I loved him or found him important in my life.  I was tired all the time.  I wasn’t willing to sleep 5 hours a night like him.  Fuck.  Oh, yeah, we started doing less of that.  He felt like I had distanced myself from him and that only my son mattered to me anymore.  Somewhere along the transition to working full-time, I didn’t make time for him or us.  He said all I do is run errands every weekend.  Well?

“This is a household,” I said.  “I can’t do it all.”

“So ask me to help,” he said.  “You have never asked me to do anything.”

Help will make more time for us.  I guess he understood that before I even said it because when I got home on Sunday, he was cleaning up the kitchen.  I hadn’t gotten to say my piece yet, and I didn’t know if he’d even be here when I got home, or if he would be here with his stuff all packed, waiting to tell me ‘goodbye.’  He thought I wouldn’t want to continue our relationship.

Love is hard to find, and maybe I’m a fool.  I’ve always thought that he and I were good together, even though he is younger than I am by 9 years.  He asked me to give him a chance when we met, despite the age difference, and I did.  He’s been good for me, and we’ve been through a lot.  I’ve become a stronger parent, for one.

I have recently wondered out loud about how long I can keep a relationship going.  Why is that?  Why do I get complacent or shut down basic relationship survival skills?  Why did he stop talking to me?

Well, in order to save the relationship, he requires that I talk ad nauseum about our relationship and what went wrong, and how did it go wrong, and what am I going to do about it, and I don’t even know what the fuck else because he talked for 4 hours and expects me to return the favor.  As hard as it is to say goodbye, I ask myself if maybe it is the right thing to do, though then I also lose after-school care for my son and the other relationships I have grown with people in our life.

I know it will work out whatever happens, and that I have to continue to talk about our relationship from here on out, or he’ll leave.  But honestly, without some major brainstorming at work in my sleep-deprived head, I won’t know what else to do or say.

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2 Responses to W.T.F. – I had it coming.

  1. Cele says:

    Jen remember this 1) it takes two to make a relationship. 2) The end or failure of a relationship is rarely one person’s fault. 3) Why the HELL should you have to ask for help, why doesn’t he just do (yeah my own little pet peeve from three marriages.)

    Good luck girlfriend. And member this, any relationship is hard work, and worth working for if it is the relationship you want.

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