I spent a lot of today thinking about what I have to offer. I felt like an emotional wreck and would have rather stayed in bed all day. Since I couldn’t, I went to work and spent my free time reading and thinking about hiding my wreck of a self and focusing on what I offer to the world. I saw “a positive attitude” in big white, captial letters that flashed across my forehead, backwards so I could read them in the mirror.
Yes, folks, that’s what I came up with. I almost always have a positive spin to everything. Yes, it was totally unlike me to post something as poopy as “Sucky September.” I am not one to spread a “down in a hole” message.
“Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, outta control”
Thank you Alice in Chains.
Anyway, I spent most of the day thinking about what I offer, what I am working on with myself: patience, communicating better and not holding things in, living with meaning, balancing life and all its wonderful relationships, and worrying less.
That lead me to read Real Simple online, specifically to an article by Michelle Slatella called “10 Secrets of an Unflappable Working Mom.” It was full of good advice and regarding balancing the wonderful life relationships, I found this applied:
“Stop thinking of yourself as split into separate but equal roles: mother, worker, me. Listen to philosopher John Locke, who said that a person recognizes himself as the same being throughout his life, in different times and places. You are one person, indivisible, who just happens to wear many hats. And while I get that the weight of all those hats can wear you down, at least be happy you’ve got something important to do.”
During the day, the customary, obsessive cogs turned into progressions of what I want to be like, and how to achieve that, and I wondered how do some people, like my ex-husband, give up the search for meaning in life? I still look for answers about that without much luck or comfort. Such a mystery I have tried to give up, but I come back to it.
By the end of the day, I remembered that I used to see a daily reminder that life is short by living with a man fighting cancer, and when did I forget that? Even with my dog, who died suddenly of bone cancer that spread to his lungs without any warning should have reminded me with its in-my-face message.
Life is short. What if I died tomorrow? How would I want Little Guy to remember me? How would I want to treat the ones I love? How would I want them to treat me? With patience and consideration and kindness.
I have examined my life like this today, which led to more questioning, like if I knew I were going to die tomorrow, would I have gone to the bar where I saw my boyfriend’s truck, even though I wasn’t feeling up to it, instead of going home? Would I have made it a goal to get enough sleep tonight, as in, more than 5 hours, which is all I’ve gotten every night this week? Or would I have said, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead!” I don’t know. But I made my choices, and I’m going to bed.
Today’s kind of like the Jewel song that goes:
“In the end, only kindness matters.”