During my layoff over the last seven weeks, I revealed a few things to myself that need to go. Of course I have the literal, tangible items that need to go. I filled up two rooms of a friend’s basement when I moved April 1st with mostly things that will go, except for the kitchen stuff. Okay, it’s not all mine, some is Ex’s that I had to clear out of our old house. I need to go through it, make decisions, burn it, shred it, give it away or sell it.
I also discovered some ideas in my head that I would like to change. During my frantic housing search last month, I heard myself ask, “Do I deserve a nice house?” Do I really think I haven’t been good enough, been through enough, worked hard enough? I hear that I deserve it, but apparently I have my doubts.
Ex’s death and maybe my relationship with him affected my thoughts on this. I feel like he died, and therefore I failed a little, too. Maybe I feel the failure of the marriage, but I also feel the success, pride and strength of separating from him for my own happiness and the benefit of Little Guy.
Somewhere in there, I connect a nice house with marriage. I don’t know how. My mom owned her own nice house as a single mom with a teenager. Where did I get this crappy idea that I need a husband to live somewhere nice? Gah!
All of this circles back to earning, or underearning. I’ll admit it. I’ve been looking for a new job to replace the restaurant job. I had an interview at a bank during my layoff, but I bombed it and didn’t act like my usual, peppy self. Plus, the hours didn’t work with daycare hours and my single mom status. I would have to work 10 more hours a week, plus a half day on Saturday and make less money, but they offered benefits. The job didn’t compute with me, and I didn’t get the position.
I have looked at almost every job available in the area, notorious for underpaying because of the high mountain expenses and the benefits of living where we do and getting ski time, or snowshoeing time. A couple of jobs pay in the 30k-50k range, but most office jobs start at $8-10/hr. I know…the economy, blah, blah, and I should be thankful there are jobs to apply for, and I am. Why am I so scared of making a decent living? Why do I have a hard time thinking of applying for a job that would pay over $10k a year than what I make now at two jobs?
The fear of going for a job that pays well and would challenge me has to go!
That’s it. I’m going to work on my resume for the next 15 minutes and get it out there.