The past few months have felt like a slowdive into and out of grief. My blog once addressed anything and everything, and in September, it became the cradled outlet to grieve the loss of Ex. When I blogged, I felt protected from judgement and criticism, a place where I could address the cursed situation and not see with my eyes others’ cringes of response.
When I woke up yesterday morning, I warmed myself, deep in thought, by the roaring fire my boyfriend (still Y&H) had made. In conclusion of an internal conversation I had been having, I said to myself, ‘There was nothing I could have done to have prevented Ex’s death.’ At last, I believe it.
People have said to me since a week after it happened, that it wasn’t my fault and that end to his life would have come one day no matter what. I said, “I know,” and nodded so many times I felt like teary-eyed bobble-head near filing for medical assistance for my aching neck. I heard my boyfriend’s exasperation after telling me for the 200th time that it wasn’t my fault and that no one would ever know why Ex did it. But Ex’s illogical maneuver would eat at me.
I got through the wailing, the anger, the sobbing so hard I thought I would puke, the yelling at his spirit, “WHY???” as if he could hear me, the missing him and not missing him, the hurt when Little Guy would tell a story about him, and the wondering of what I will tell Little Guy when he gets older. Now, I’m here, five months and one day later, and it almost seems like a different lifetime, like a past life that has almost closed (goddamn probate!). I probably have days where I don’t even think about his death without realizing that I haven’t thought about it.
I have wished at every opportunity for it to stop hurting: a coin thrown into a fountain, a falling star, times of the day when it was all the same numbers like 4:44 p.m., his creditors, sympathetic or not. I feel like I’m finally starting to get there, to not feel hurt and sad most of the time. I feel like I’m resurfacing to the old me again. Be forewarned. I’m going to take the time I need to come back up; I wouldn’t want to get the bends!