Sometime in the last week I let some family members, to whom I don’t speak often, know that Ex had died. These family members included my father who does not speak to me. (Don’t get me started, it’s a long story, and it’s easier this way.)
I have wondered since sending that email if I would hear anything from him in response to the news. I must have hoped just a little bit that I would and felt disappointed when I didn’t, and still haven’t. A night or two later, I dreamt that my dad had been in the same home with me, and that he hadn’t said a word. He turned his back on me and walked away. His best friend, and longtime family friend of mine, followed behind him in the dream. First, he looked at me. I was sitting on a gray couch, in a gray room. He made eye contact in the doorway, shrugged his shoulders and followed my dad’s direction. I never saw my dad’s face in the dream, only the back of his head.
The dream reminded me of when I married Ex in 2000 and invited both my dad and his best friend to the wedding. His best friend RSVP’d that he would attend. I don’t remember hearing back from my dad, but I may have. My dad didn’t attend. A few weeks after the wedding, I got a card in the mail from my dad’s best friend with his apologies for not making it to our celebration and something about my dad wouldn’t let him attend. I have felt since then that his friend wants to be there for me, but my dad won’t allow it. The price for his best friend showing support must be pretty steep.
Still, a week later, no email from my dad. Or his friend. No, “I’m sorry for your loss.” He doesn’t even have to offer support or anything, like most everyone else has. I know that the subject makes my acquaintances uncomfortable and unable to talk to me, but friends not so much. He’s my dad. I’ll just have to let it go like a feather in the wind, like I let go trying to figure out why Ex did what he did. I’ll have to overcome the past so it doesn’t limit my future.
And if I do hear from my dad, I’ll let you know. That would be a welcome and positive change, even if I don’t hear from him after that. I’ll take what I can get and keep my expectations low, meaning at nothing, so it’s a win-win situation for me. I know it sounds like a canned, self-protecting mechanism. Well, that’s because it is.