I’ve thought all week about the last post I wrote and whether it’s a small issue or a big one.  I don’t want to fight about small stuff, if it doesn’t matter.   I don’t have to fight with Ex at all anymore.  That’s the good news.  

The bad news is that Little Guy only has me for a parent and no Dada.  That’s the gentle way of saying that his dad chose to end his life last Monday morning.  

A friend of ours told me this week that there’s nothing worse than seeing someone you love(d) dead by his own hand.  “Great,” I said.  “So it can’t get any worse, it can only get better.”  

Yes, I found him.  I had to.  Something wasn’t right that morning when I went to pick up Little Guy, and his dad had “gone for a walk in the woods in his slippers.”  


I took Little Guy to daycare where he’d be safe and headed back to the house with human support.  

Since that moment, everything has changed, well, almost.  My Mama still loves me.

No more fighting over what Little Guy eats because I have all the control over that.

I had gotten used to having nights to myself every week, but now I have none.  I have Little Guy every day which is wonderful and hard and has made me ask myself how single people choose to adopt a child.  Wow!  That takes a lot of strength to seek out.

I have a dog again.  The roomies love him and so do their dogs and cats.  

For everything I lose, I feel a gain.  I might feel differently in a year or when Little Guy starts asking questions.  I can’t replace his daddy, but I can fill a void.  I feel such appreciation for life and for Little Guy being in my life.  

I may never understand Ex’s choice, and I’m trying to let that go.  I want to instill in Little Guy what matters in life, including life itself.  It sounds a little complicated yet simple.

This entry was posted in Acceptance, appreciation, change, gratitude, Motherhood and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Duality

  1. Cele says:

    Jenn my heart goes out to you and Little Guy. I’ve never had to go through this, but I’ve had to be a single parent to a child who should have two. All he ask of you is to be the best parent that you can be, to keep his dad a positive for him despite the negatives that have now come and gone. Thank heavens you have a wonderful mom to support you, a fabulous extended family who will aid you and Little Guy be your support and grounding through both light and dark times.
    Be peace,

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