I went for a long walk this morning with the dogs. The view going up of the the trail of the peaks made it worth jumping out of bed. On the way down, the sun shined in my eyes, so I didn’t stare at the opposing peaks but rather kept my head on the road. I started to think about where I am in life. And, damn, I am so happy despite all the complications and busyness. The following lines from a song kept going through my head:
Isn’t it grand?
Isn’t it great?
Isn’t it swell?
Isn’t it fine,
Roxie Hart in “Chicago”
I saw my single life coming. I looked forward to it. I knew it would be the only way for me to become a happier person to get time to myself, guilt-free and without having to use work as an excuse.
I feel more love now than I did four months ago. Love flows like the ocean back and forth with everyone in my life. I feel more love and respect for myself than before.
I used to think that things would be easier if I hadn’t had a child. I had regrets about bringing him into this world. My marriage would have crumbled like clods of dry dirt with or without Little Guy. Now I know how Little Guy makes my life better, and I hope Ex’s too. He makes me a better person, more responsible for the two of us.
I have some challenges coming up, and I haven’t had a major freak out yet. This time, I’m calm. I know I’ll be fine.
I’ll be divorced in less than a week. I’m looking forward to that in some ways. Emotional highs and lows will accompany the loss and gains of legally ending that relationship. Financially, I’ll be screwed, but it won’t last forever, and it’s only money. There are way more important aspects to life. I’ve gained back control of my own life and mental condition. That rocks!
After my walk, I got online and found out a friend of mine died a few days ago after a long battle with brain cancer. She had undergone treatment and beat it twice in the last ten years. She was doing well and looking for work the last time I talked to her, so it surprised me to hear that she had moved on from this world.
Her memorial is tonight, and I plan to attend. The first thought that crossed my mind was she would be happy for me. She knew I had a hard time adjusting to life as a mother and that my marriage made me miserable. She was always such a positive person in the face of life and death for the entire time I knew her. I always admired that about her. She was too young to die, but I am so glad that we met.