Oh, it’s a good life, for the most part. I wake up spooning with my servant, who thinks she’s my queen. I get out of bed as soon as the first alarm goes off, be it a the little servant-in-training (S.I.T.) or electronic beeping. Once I’m out of bed, I spend my time staring at my servant until She feeds me or until that male servant I tolerate feeds me. If they do not rise to according to my schedule, I lick plastic bags. It makes a subtle rustle with each lick: ssss, sssss, ss. My female servant adores me but not when I do this to wake her up. And, sometimes I still have to wait for food. Commence sitting by the food containers and spanking the dog with my clawless, 6-toed mitts every time he walks by. I continue to stare at my servants and growl at the little S.I.T. when he comes near until I am fed. I do not understand why I have to wait some days to be fed and other days, I am fed before anyone else. Something about “not time yet, Boo,” whatever that means.
Once I finish eating, I find a quiet place to hide from the little S.I.T. The big, black chair downstairs that matches me works well as a disguise. Save for when my eyes are open, no one sees me. I prefer to nap on the big bed upstairs on the comfy, white blanket or on laundry, like towels or Her clothes. If HIS clothes are on the bed, I will not lie on them. They repulse me almost as much as the smell of lotion. I’d sleep with the dog before I would sleep near the male servant or any of his belongings. I’m the male of this house, like it or not, man-servant. Well, I will make some allowances when She is out of town, or when I’m hungry.
Anyway, back to my napping. On the days She does not leave me after breakfast, we snuggle between my early afternoon nap and my late afternoon nap. I always wait until I sense her need to get up. Then, I pounce on her and purr and knead her like I did to my mama. Then I lie down near her or on her, and we communicate our deep love to each other with our eyes. She does know how to show me affection with her hands. Oh, and she does it the way I like it and makes my eyes close, so that I turn solid black.
Now, let’s talk about that Little S.I.T. (servant-in-training) who fails in his servant apprenticeship daily. Where did he come from, and why did they let him live here? She had a belly that grew and moved on its own a couple years ago, then She brought home THAT! He does not cater to my every need. He does not leave me alone to eat. He does not do much to make me more comfortable. No. He chases me. He follows me. He screams while he does this. Oh, my ears! Then She talks to him, but it does not stop him. I have to slap him on the hand and the head when he gets too close or misbehaves. He runs to Her. She tries to distract him, but it doesn’t work. Wait. I understand. I fascinate him. I am his King! I AM amazing! I know it. You know it. He knows it. The Little S.I.T. knows it, and I know She knows it.
Well, in the evening, more waiting for food, more staring at the servants while they eat. Then, I get fed, and I wait until She returns to be with me without the Little S.I.T. I give her my bedroom eyes and sit on the stairs. Sometimes, I give up waiting for her to come up to bed. I sit by her and that warm metal thing that has usurped her lap from me. I give her “the eyes” again where I blink slowly and look around like, “Me, I don’t want anything….except you, right now, upstairs refilling my water and waiting for me under the covers.” Then She says more about “not time yet, Boo.” Most of the time, she can NOT resist me.
At last, She comes upstairs. I ham it up to get my way without being too demanding. I sit by my water dish on the dresser and stare at her. When she comes over to get the dish, I turn my head sideways, this way and that while she fills it with fresh water and brings it back to me. I want fresh water that doesn’t taste like dog. I want it so bad that I almost take it out of Her hands and set it down myself. I have two opposable thumbs on all four paws, thank you. I wait for her while she gets ready to go to bed. Sometimes, she turns down the sheets for me, so that I can get in first.
On the nights that I wait and the male servant’s already in bed with the dog, I plan my entry onto the bed. I prefer to jump over to the bed from the dresser so that it wakes up the dog. Then, I make sure to step on His man-parts as I cross over to Her. I have 99% accuracy of getting him where it counts every night. Now, if only I had claws, I’d really dig ’em in. I see Her waiting for me, light on so I can see, covers pushed down, so I can get in next to her. I can barely control my anticipation. I walk to Her as fast as I can without seeming desperate. I get under the covers purring. I smell Her on the mouth, the ears, but not those lotiony hands. Lotion smells foul! I fluff my fur and lie between Her arm and body. I rest my head next to hers on the pillow. Then, she turns off the light, and we sleep snuggled up for the rest of the night together in bliss.