Vacation Part II November 20, 2009

For the second time this year, I have vacationed in a manner involving one-on-one time with Little Guy and socializing time with family during the evenings and weekend.  I find this kind of vacationing more therapeutic and soothing, as opposed to having a vacation jam-packed with activities daily.  Can you imagine Disneyland?  I can’t.  So, Little Guy and I are just hanging out in new territory, walking a lot, and adventuring with Sid and Scott on the weekends.

I have had the time to feel solitary sadness over Ex, pity for Little Guy (not my proudest moment), and celebration for Ex.  I know he’s happier now than he was on this plane.  I never have to think again, ‘Has he really done it this time?’  I’m relieved to let that worry go and to have the time to focus on one feeling at a time.  Yeah, I’m still mad and resentful sometimes, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

On this vacation, Little Guy has gotten to know Sid and Scott well enough that he hugs them both.  Yesterday morning, when I got up, Little Guy was sitting on Scott’s lap talking to him with his head his chest.  I’m also grateful that I have a delightful kid, who has bonded with Sid and Scott as well as they with him. 

Little Guy has tried lots of new foods here, like Persian chicken and beef, Chinese spaghetti (chow mein), jasmine tea, fresh spring rolls, and grilled beef steak.  I have a rule about dinner:  Eat it or don’t!  (We told Little Guy that the Persian meats were elk-chicken and elk-beef to get him to try them.  He talked a lot about liking to eat elk when we first arrived.  Y&H had shot one the Thursday before we left and brought a steak over for dinner that Saturday.)

Scott cooks a lot and with variety.  It’s made me realize how little I have expanded my recipes in the last year.   Of course, we’ve kind of been living in temporary situations.

Before I left Ex, I cooked dinner every night.  I cooked something different every night because Ex wouldn’t eat leftovers.  I meal-planned every week.  When I moved out, I let my culinary skills rest on the back burner.  It was hard to cook using the roommates’ pots and pans.  And the roommates were vegetarians. 

I’ll finish moving into my new house when I get back from vacation next week.  I’m looking forward getting back to my meal-planning self.  Since Ex’s stuff is all Little Guy’s stuff, and he won’t use a KitchenAid or any Calphalon cookware for many more years, I have a kitchen with every gadget I could ever need, and few that I don’t, ready for me to start making new creations and keep Little Guy (and me) trying new things.

A Mourner’s Guilt October 18, 2009

Little Guy and I are at the old house today.  Housesitting ended, and we don’t have anywhere else to go without imposing on anyone.  We took a walk in the neighborhood.  Little Guy started talking about the day that his daddy went to the woods and died.  He seemed hurt by the fact that his dad had gone for a walk without him that morning.  Little Guy had tried to go with him, but Ex told him, “Go back inside.”  He did.

I asked Little Guy if he had watched him from the window in the house, but he said, “no.”

I asked Little Guy if he started playing with Legos when he went back inside because that was what he was doing when I picked him up.  He said, “no.”  

I asked Little Guy if his daddy had made him breakfast that morning.  He said, “yes.”

I asked Little Guy if his daddy had told him that I was going to pick him up that morning.  He misunderstood me and said, “Nope, my dad didn’t say he was going to pick me up again.”

I so wanted to find out what happened that morning, but I know I’ll have to wait until Little Guy is older before I find out more of the story.  

I remember packing Little Guy up in the car that morning when I had finally gotten him dressed about an hour after I arrived.  Ex still hadn’t shown up.  I remember thinking, ‘Ex is out there, dead or alive, he’s nearby.’  I told Little Guy to holler out to him before we left, in case Ex could hear him.  He hollered and got no response.  I half wanted to go and look for him right then, and I half wanted to just get the hell out of there and get Little Guy to a safe place so I could come back and find Ex.  I picked the second option.

I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen the first, going to look for him right then, when he was probably still alive, according to the Coroner’s report.  He was sitting there in the woods waiting for us to leave, waiting to know that he was alone and Little Guy was safe.  What would Ex have done?  Would he have pulled the trigger if I approached him?  Would he have let me talk him out of it and gotten in my car and let me take him somewhere he would be safe and maybe still alive now?  Would he have pulled the trigger on me?  I doubt it.  What would I have done if I had found Ex dead while I still had Little Guy with me?  That would have been AWFUL!  What a terrible, nightmarish memory that would have made for Little Guy.  

I know that it’s not my fault, any of it, and that I’m not responsible for his death.  It was his choice.  I guess I’m not done what-if’ing when I shouldn’t.  I can’t change the past.  I can only accept it and make the most of the present.  

Last night’s Yogi Tea fortune read, “Those who live in the past limit their future.”  I couldn’t help but think about Ex first.  He spent so much time living in his past and trying to overcome it.  Then, I turned my thoughts on myself and prayed silently to the stars that I would overcome this event and feel normal again, soon.

Duality September 27, 2009

I’ve thought all week about the last post I wrote and whether it’s a small issue or a big one.  I don’t want to fight about small stuff, if it doesn’t matter.   I don’t have to fight with Ex at all anymore.  That’s the good news.  

The bad news is that Little Guy only has me for a parent and no Dada.  That’s the gentle way of saying that his dad chose to end his life last Monday morning.  

A friend of ours told me this week that there’s nothing worse than seeing someone you love(d) dead by his own hand.  ”Great,” I said.  ”So it can’t get any worse, it can only get better.”  

Yes, I found him.  I had to.  Something wasn’t right that morning when I went to pick up Little Guy, and his dad had “gone for a walk in the woods in his slippers.”  

BIG. RED. FLAG.  

I took Little Guy to daycare where he’d be safe and headed back to the house with human support.  

Since that moment, everything has changed, well, almost.  My Mama still loves me.

No more fighting over what Little Guy eats because I have all the control over that.

I had gotten used to having nights to myself every week, but now I have none.  I have Little Guy every day which is wonderful and hard and has made me ask myself how single people choose to adopt a child.  Wow!  That takes a lot of strength to seek out.

I have a dog again.  The roomies love him and so do their dogs and cats.  

For everything I lose, I feel a gain.  I might feel differently in a year or when Little Guy starts asking questions.  I can’t replace his daddy, but I can fill a void.  I feel such appreciation for life and for Little Guy being in my life.  

I may never understand Ex’s choice, and I’m trying to let that go.  I want to instill in Little Guy what matters in life, including life itself.  It sounds a little complicated yet simple.

Perspective – Single Mom Life June 6, 2009

Last night as I was driving home at 10:00 p.m. with my drowsy kid in the backseat, I realized that in order for me, as a single mom, to have a social life and get things done, my kid has to go with me on occasion.  Sometimes, this means that he’ll be awake two hours past bedtime.  

I have criticized my mom in the past for letting me be such a night owl as a small child.  I didn’t have a bedtime really, so I stayed up until 10:00 p.m. every night when I was small.  I often would fall asleep on my dad while we watched the 10:00 news.  I don’t remember what time I had to get up every morning in order for me and my parents to get to wherever we had to be on time.  I can tell you that it was TOO DAMN EARLY!

Since having a child of my own and seeing the difference in behavior after a good night’s rest versus keeping him up late, I have convinced myself that I would have been more cheerful in the morning had a I either a) gone to bed earlier or b) gotten to wake up when I was ready.  Unfortunately for everyone involved in my life before 10:00 a.m. from childhood through my mid-twenties, it took a while for me to come around and act awake enough to function and be nice.  

So, here’s the pickle. Some nights I choose to have a life and go on dates with Boyfriend and my child, such as on Thursday.  Boyfriend’s idea, not mine.  Boyfriend’s pretty cool and gets extra points for that one.  Last night, I also chose to keep us out late in order to see Guy Roomie play guitar at a local bar’s Family Night instead of doing paperwork.  Paperwork never goes away.  Guy Roomie won’t be with us much longer.  I couldn’t be Responsible Jenniphur last night.  I needed to be Appreciating Life Jenniphur.  So, we stayed out late (9 p.m.) and then ran an errand.  

Most nights, I choose to stay in and let us get the rest we need.  As a single mom, I have to wonder how my decisions will affect Little Guy later in life.  I hope he appreciates what we do together, no matter what time we get to bed.  I also hope he appreciates how much I enjoy his company and spending time with him.  I want him to value the time he has with the ones he loves and the ones who love him.

TT – I never thought I would be ….here May 8, 2009

I never thought I would be here, at a coffee shop, having coffee, breakfast and conversation on a Friday morning before work.  I’ll tell you why I’m here.  It’s a funny story.

My roomie left town on Tuesday.  I was off on Tuesday with no plans and nowhere to go.  Just a day to clean the house and play with Little Guy.  I went to get my keys so that I could go to the skate park that afternoon, and they weren’t where I had left them.  I KNEW I had left them on the bookshelf by the door.  

I texted roomie to see if she had seen them.  No response.  It bothered me to no end that I had lost my keys.  I have NEVER  lost my keys before.  Wallet, yes.  Phone, yes.  Important papers, temporarily misplaced often, but never my keys.

I began to tear the house apart looking for the keys and for the spare set.  Man, and I had just gotten the house almost perfectly clean. Schnikies.  

The next day I told Roomie that I still couldn’t find my keys.  She confessed to picking them up by mistake thinking that they went to her car.  She had them in her parked car in Denver while she was in Texas.

Hooray!  I hadn’t lost my keys.  Whew.  

So, for the last 3 days, praise the stars for my friends, I have gotten rides to and from town.  This morning, Daycare’s husband picked me and Little Guy up and drove us into town.  I was in town before 8a.m.  Let’s take a moment and celebrate that small miracle that hasn’t happened in a year.  I don’t have to be to work until 10:30, so I went to a coffee shop for breakfast since I hadn’t eaten or had my tea yet.  I also needed to get some work done on the computer that had been ignored all week since I had no internet or transportation. (Normally, I borrow internet access at Boyfriend’s.)  

What has this week made clear to me?

It pays off to be good to friends and love them and take care of them, so that they do the same for their friends.  It’s been an adventure this week.  A good one!

Namaste.

The Best April 24, 2009

I’m at my mom’s right now, sitting at the kitchen table reading the weekend edition of the newspaper and drinking coffee.  I can’t stop smiling at this utopic moment.

Oh, and I’m back on coffee.

Life is good. March 1, 2009

I went for a long walk this morning with the dogs.  The view going up of the the trail of the peaks made it worth jumping out of bed.  On the way down, the sun shined in my eyes, so I didn’t stare at the opposing peaks but rather kept my head on the road.  I started to think about where I am in life.  And, damn, I am so happy despite all the complications and busyness.  The following lines from a  song kept going through my head:

 

“It’s good.

Isn’t it grand?

Isn’t it great?

Isn’t it swell?

Isn’t it fine,

isn’t it,

nowadays.”

 

Roxie Hart in “Chicago”

 

I saw my single life coming.  I looked forward to it.  I knew it would be the only way for me to become a happier person to get time to myself, guilt-free and without having to use work as an excuse.

 

I feel more love now than I did four months ago.  Love flows like the ocean back and forth with everyone in my life.   I feel more love and respect for myself than before.  

 

I used to think that things would be easier if I hadn’t had a child.  I had regrets about bringing him into this world.  My marriage would have crumbled like clods of dry dirt with or without Little Guy.  Now I know how Little Guy makes my life better, and I hope Ex’s too.  He makes me a better person, more responsible for the two of us.  

 

I have some challenges coming up, and I haven’t had a major freak out yet.  This time, I’m calm.  I know I’ll be fine.  

 

I’ll be divorced in less than a week.  I’m looking forward to that in some ways. Emotional highs and lows will accompany the loss and gains of legally ending that relationship.  Financially, I’ll be screwed, but it won’t last forever, and it’s only money.  There are way more important aspects to life.  I’ve gained back control of my own life and mental condition.  That rocks!

 

After my walk, I got online and found out a friend of mine died a few days ago after a long battle with brain cancer.  She had undergone treatment and beat it twice in the last ten years.  She was doing well and looking for work the last time I talked to her, so it surprised me to hear that she had moved on from this world.  

 

Her memorial is tonight, and I plan to attend.  The first thought that crossed my mind was she would be happy for me.  She knew I had a hard time adjusting to life as a mother and that my marriage made me miserable.  She was always such a positive person in the face of life and death for the entire time I knew her.  I always admired that about her.  She was too young to die, but I am so glad that we met.

Talk Thursday – Groove Is in the Heart February 15, 2009

For the first time in years, I enjoyed Valentine’s Day yesterday.  I looked forward to it a little.  I’ve never been a huge fan of holidays, but I’m starting to wonder if that will change this year, too.  I hope so.  

 

If groove is in the heart, then I’ve been feeling a lot more groove lately.  And I’ve been going with it.  

 

I had to work last night at the restaurant.  Everything went smoothly.  We had extra help.  I had spent the three days leading up to Valentine’s Day thinking up conversation starting questions to go on all the tables for the evening.  I had questions like “What’s the best pick-up line you’ve ever gotten?”  “What’s your favorite place on your body to be kissed by your lover?”  

People loved it.  I got praise for my creativity.  I loved that.

I’m getting my groove back.

Meme October 21, 2008

1. If your lover betrayed you, what would your reaction be?  Hm, well, what kind of betrayal?  Is he telling all my secrets or boinking someone?  I’d get over it either way.  

2. If you have a dream you’d like to come true, what is it?  I’d like to have one, good job doing something I enjoy, one job that pays the bills and then some.  

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?  Aside from my own which needs it for motivation, hm, I’m not much of one for violence.  I don’t think butt kicking does what it’s supposed to do.  I’m more of a butt smacker.  Watch out!

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?  One BILLION dollars.  That would pay off debt for me, Husband, my momma, and all my friends, and could I help relieve the National Debt?  I could build a pre-school, fund teacher education, and move to a different country if I wanted to, go to Grad school, and afford pre-school and college for Little Guy, get sterilized and sterilize anyone else I know who would like to join me.

5. Will your best friend always be your best friend?  More than likely.

6. Have you ever loved two people at once?  I love many people.  I assume this question means have I ever been in love with two people at once, to which I must reply, “no, I don’t think so.”

7. How long would you wait for someone you really loved?  I live for today, this week, this month, maybe this year.  I don’t believe in waiting for someone or someone waiting for me.  I did at one time.  How would I know if I really loved a person if I were still waiting for him?  Relationships are like shoes, and you have to try on a few pair to get find a good fit.  

8. If you won the lottery, would you quit your job?  I would quit 3 of them and keep working for myself, but I would take a vacation first.  

9. Who is on your celebrity top 5…you know, the ones…that if you ever had an opportunity…

I’d have to get to know them first.  Colin Farrell, Joaquin Phoenix, Madonna, and I’m done thinking about this.

10. What sucks the life out of you?  It depends on what I let get to me enough to be life-sucking.  I used to joke when I nursed my son that he sucked the life out of me.  Ha ha. 

11. How do you see yourself in ten years time?   As a better communicator.

12. What’s your greatest fear/phobia?  Odd numbers, unclean hands and failure.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?  Good and unique and complex.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?  Read my blog.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?  Close my eyes and try to go back to sleep until I HAVE to get up.  

16. Would you give all in a relationship?  Yes, and in the right relationship, I wouldn’t call it giving all.  It’s just what happens.  

17. Is your career vitally important to you?  I could work with words for the rest of my life and be happy and that would be vitally important as a career.  

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing someone has done?  Depends on how horrible.  I tend to forgive easily and tread more carefully afterward.

19.  Do you prefer being single or having a relationship?  They both have their merits.  

20.  Tag 6 people.  Any 6, have at it.  

Talk Thursday: Behind Those Eyes May 25, 2008

Like Cele, I had trouble finding a groove with this topic.  I started early in order to post on Thursday.  Then, Master Procrastinator reared her royal head, and here we are on Sunday.  Here’s what I came up with.  It didn’t go anywhere poetic or lyrical like I expected.  

 

Behind Those Eyes

Behind those eyes, I see a hundred different things.  I see the past, present, future. 

Behind those eyes is the back of your skull.  Ha.  

Behind those eyes lies the best part of you and of me and of everyone I love and the reasons I love all of us.  It controls the pleasure, the purring, the mad, and the sad.  It controls all the thoughts we have. 

Behind those eyes.