Little Guy was climbing on the couches making a bridge, when I told him, “No.”
He fell down onto the pile of pillows between the couches and looked at me.
“Couches are for….” I said and waited for him to fill in with the usual, “Sitting!”
This time he said, “Climbing!”
We both burst out laughing. I live to hear his laugh.
After drinking tea for 7 months rather than coffee, I switched back to coffee. Life got too crazy for me to put up with tea. I needed the real stuff. I knew the truth when I started brewing my morning cup of tea with two tea bags.
“Forget it,” I said. ”I’m back on coffee for the summer.”
That was two weeks ago. Life. Is. Great! I can’t believe I ever quit this fantastic habit that makes me feel almost normal.
One surprise: I thought I would require less coffee every day after having tea for so long. Turns out, I need 5 cups a day to feel like a normal person. I started with 3, went to 4, and after yesterday, I decided on 5. Maybe it’s just the day. I’d like to stick to 4, but with prepping the Ranch for our first wedding of the season, finding out last Saturday that I have to find a new place to live, working at the busy restaurant and a looming breakup with Boyfriend, I need all the coping assistance I can find in my daily java. I’m going to drink really good, organic coffee this go-round.
Four more months, then no more weddings. Until then, I’m booked solid and working 6 days a week again. Praise the stars, I have a full staff this year, so I will have time to be with Little Guy and date. I want to stay single and unattached this summer, after I stop procrastinating said breakup. I haven’t spent much time with Boyfriend in the last week and a half. I’ve just worked. I want to date like I want to try the flavors in a combo box of popsicles.
I got a lead on a person who may be able to help me find a job in the City. I gave 7 months of notice that I intend to leave the restaurant. And she got mad and sad and cried.
I feel like I’m in a big house where I have the keys to all the doors. It feels good and a little stressful.
My cat is so happy right now. He has draped his paw and head over my left arm, snuggled his body next to my leg and won’t stop purring. Yes, it’s hard to type with him on me like this, and yes, I have a million other things I should be doing right now. But he’s so happy.
Wanting my kid and I to have separate beds motivates me to find a new living situation. Seeing my cat so content also motivates me to find a place where we can live together again.
Sorry, kitty. I have to switch the laundry. My mom is on her way to visit right now, and the sheets have to go in the dryer. Also, Ex is coming home early from his trip, so I have one less day to do everything else that I need to do here, such as, more laundry, and getting the remnants of my things gathered and transported to my home. My groceries and clean clothes are WAY organized.
By the way, no one won the Scrabble game last night. I started dozing off each time it wasn’t my turn, so I called ‘time out’ and went to bed. We’ll finish the game tomorrow…or start a new one with my mom. I was winning by about 30 points, though.
I moved my schtuff out of Ex’s yesterday. The house feels a little bare, but lighter. Maybe that’s how I feel, since I’m only wearing a bathrobe and I just pushed out a #2.
One of my friends helped me do it. Of course, I first asked him to join me for coffee in town. I knew he would help a little, but I didn’t expect him to stay until it was done. It only took a few hours, and he happened to have a ton of great boxes at his house to use, since he’s remodeling.
I couldn’t find the list of what Ex and I had agreed on as far as splitting up the kitchen stuff, so that’s left to do. Everything else is out of here and packed away. A lot of my resentment went away, too.
On top of moving out, I started the day with a Triple Shot Mocha with whole milk and whipped cream and a peach muffin. Then, I took the dog for a swim with the two dogs I will take care of later this month. Next, I packed up my stuff, thanked my friend profusely for his help, picked up Little Guy from pre-school,and drove to Boyfriend’s work for Buffalo Chicken Pizza that he made for us. (Have I mentioned the perks of dating a chef?) Then, we three went to Target and the skateboard park.
I had craved skateboarding all day like I crave caffeine in the morning. I felt so much better after riding around for a while and trying to get better on the ramp. Boyfriend told me that skateboarding is good for blowing off steam, and I had a lot of it yesterday. Little Guy had us climb up to better see the purple sky of dusk before heading home.
We got home and I put Little Guy to bed. Just when I thought the day couldn’t get any better, Boyfriend presented me with a surprise. I closed my eyes and held out my hands. Scrabble! We were too tired to play a round last night.
I can hardly wait to peel the plastic off the box and play the first game with Boyfriend tonight. Momma, you’re going to get to play when you come to visit, too!
Saturday, I didn’t have to be work until 4. I picked up Little Guy at 7:30 a.m., after 3 hours of sleep. I went out this weekend. More on that at another time. Anyway, sometime around lunchtime, Little Guy and I decided to take the dogs for a walk. It was snowing still, and we had received about a foot the day before.
We headed up the road and found ourselves a nice bank of snow to sit down in after Little Guy wanted to see the stream he could hear. We pretended to be dogs by kneeling and digging in the snow with our paws. Snow went all over our laps. The real dogs wanted to play ball, and we kept them occupied by throwing the two balls they had brought while we played.
We sat in the snow and threw snowballs to the other side of the road. Little Guy’s got a pretty good arm. We tired of that. Then, Little Guy called “snowball fight.” We threw snowballs at each other and laughed and laughed.
Next we played “way high,” a game that involves throwing a snowball, in this case, way high, straight up in the air. I granny-shot snowballs and impressed Little Guy. He’s still catching on to how to get the balls to go straight, but we laughed anyway no matter if they went up or behind him or fell out of his hands.
The clouds started to part and the sun to shine at last. I laid down in the snowbank to watch the sky. Little Guy joined me. We pointed out shapes and animals the clouds made. It was so relaxing and fun. I like being a silly mama and spending time with a silly son.
I went for a long walk this morning with the dogs. The view going up of the the trail of the peaks made it worth jumping out of bed. On the way down, the sun shined in my eyes, so I didn’t stare at the opposing peaks but rather kept my head on the road. I started to think about where I am in life. And, damn, I am so happy despite all the complications and busyness. The following lines from a song kept going through my head:
“It’s good.
Isn’t it grand?
Isn’t it great?
Isn’t it swell?
Isn’t it fine,
isn’t it,
nowadays.”
Roxie Hart in “Chicago”
I saw my single life coming. I looked forward to it. I knew it would be the only way for me to become a happier person to get time to myself, guilt-free and without having to use work as an excuse.
I feel more love now than I did four months ago. Love flows like the ocean back and forth with everyone in my life. I feel more love and respect for myself than before.
I used to think that things would be easier if I hadn’t had a child. I had regrets about bringing him into this world. My marriage would have crumbled like clods of dry dirt with or without Little Guy. Now I know how Little Guy makes my life better, and I hope Ex’s too. He makes me a better person, more responsible for the two of us.
I have some challenges coming up, and I haven’t had a major freak out yet. This time, I’m calm. I know I’ll be fine.
I’ll be divorced in less than a week. I’m looking forward to that in some ways. Emotional highs and lows will accompany the loss and gains of legally ending that relationship. Financially, I’ll be screwed, but it won’t last forever, and it’s only money. There are way more important aspects to life. I’ve gained back control of my own life and mental condition. That rocks!
After my walk, I got online and found out a friend of mine died a few days ago after a long battle with brain cancer. She had undergone treatment and beat it twice in the last ten years. She was doing well and looking for work the last time I talked to her, so it surprised me to hear that she had moved on from this world.
Her memorial is tonight, and I plan to attend. The first thought that crossed my mind was she would be happy for me. She knew I had a hard time adjusting to life as a mother and that my marriage made me miserable. She was always such a positive person in the face of life and death for the entire time I knew her. I always admired that about her. She was too young to die, but I am so glad that we met.
For the first time in years, I enjoyed Valentine’s Day yesterday. I looked forward to it a little. I’ve never been a huge fan of holidays, but I’m starting to wonder if that will change this year, too. I hope so.
If groove is in the heart, then I’ve been feeling a lot more groove lately. And I’ve been going with it.
I had to work last night at the restaurant. Everything went smoothly. We had extra help. I had spent the three days leading up to Valentine’s Day thinking up conversation starting questions to go on all the tables for the evening. I had questions like “What’s the best pick-up line you’ve ever gotten?” “What’s your favorite place on your body to be kissed by your lover?”
People loved it. I got praise for my creativity. I loved that.
I’m getting my groove back.
Holy cow! I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything since November. I have written, but not much or frequently.
Mom visited for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She stayed with Ex for Thanksgiving and with me for Christmas. After her Christmas stay, she informed me that my life is complicated.
I disagreed…until today.
During her visit, she saw me in my real, new life, living in one room with my son 5 days a week and sharing a home with a family about whom I care a lot. Some days I feel like I drive back and forth between my old home and my new home and daycare. And then, I fit in a social life and three jobs, one of which is working for Ex. Tricky, I know.
I will say that I have it pretty good. Life is good. I have no regrets about my decision to reclaim my life, I mean, get divorced from Husband. We get along better now than we did when we were together.
I think Little Guy feels my relief and more positive feelings toward Ex. He’s very matter-of-fact about the situation of where I live now.
Since I left Ex, he has decided that he needs to change himself. (You’re welcome.) He’ll make a better father and a better husband for his second wife. He will remarry, and I want him to do it for the right reasons. Though, with our child in the picture, it kind of scares the shit out of me to think about another entire family coming into Little Guy’s life. I see a lot of opportunity, too, for all of us.
As for me, I have learned a lot about life and myself. I still don’t believe in marriage, unless it involves separate houses and separate everything, and then what’s the point? I must have believed in marriage a smidge when I did it, but it always felt temporary. Maybe if I hadn’t married him, I would never have grown as much courage as I have. I’d like to think not, but maybe. I could have had a live-in partner or two over the last 8 years and had to have left them, until I learned not to believe in living with your partner. Ha ha.
For a person who walks on the sunny side of the street, this post seems more realistic than sunny. Optimistic realism.
Well, friends, I’m dog-sitting tonight and my complicated life has caught up to me and begins again tomorrow. I’m hitting the sack and wish everyone contentment.
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