Papa Appreciation November 21, 2009

On the drive to dinner tonight, I felt a twinge of appreciation for my dad being around.  I have memories of him, most of them good, and almost all heart-wrenching after 1993.  “Huey Lewis and the Snooze” as Sid calls them came into the conversation.  I admitted that I have one of the albums, and (Nerd Alert!) I still listen to it.  My dad and I listened to that group on our monthly road trips to Idaho.  A lot of  80’s music reminds me of the good years we had together before I became a free-thinking teenager, and we could be in the same room for longer than an hour without human buffers. 

I have memories of him.

Little Guy has a lot of memories of his dad right now.  According to my grief counselor and a girlfriend who lost her father at 6 years old, those memories of his will fade, unless I keep them fresh in his mind.  Everyone has told me to only remember the good things about Ex and to forget all the rest, especially when it comes to Little Guy. 

Maybe that’s what I should do with the memories of my dad.  He’s still alive, but he won’t speak to me, so it counts more as a non-relationship.  I should remember the good things, and forget the rest.  After all, life’s too short to bother with holding on to anything but the good.

Vacation Part II November 20, 2009

For the second time this year, I have vacationed in a manner involving one-on-one time with Little Guy and socializing time with family during the evenings and weekend.  I find this kind of vacationing more therapeutic and soothing, as opposed to having a vacation jam-packed with activities daily.  Can you imagine Disneyland?  I can’t.  So, Little Guy and I are just hanging out in new territory, walking a lot, and adventuring with Sid and Scott on the weekends.

I have had the time to feel solitary sadness over Ex, pity for Little Guy (not my proudest moment), and celebration for Ex.  I know he’s happier now than he was on this plane.  I never have to think again, ‘Has he really done it this time?’  I’m relieved to let that worry go and to have the time to focus on one feeling at a time.  Yeah, I’m still mad and resentful sometimes, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

On this vacation, Little Guy has gotten to know Sid and Scott well enough that he hugs them both.  Yesterday morning, when I got up, Little Guy was sitting on Scott’s lap talking to him with his head his chest.  I’m also grateful that I have a delightful kid, who has bonded with Sid and Scott as well as they with him. 

Little Guy has tried lots of new foods here, like Persian chicken and beef, Chinese spaghetti (chow mein), jasmine tea, fresh spring rolls, and grilled beef steak.  I have a rule about dinner:  Eat it or don’t!  (We told Little Guy that the Persian meats were elk-chicken and elk-beef to get him to try them.  He talked a lot about liking to eat elk when we first arrived.  Y&H had shot one the Thursday before we left and brought a steak over for dinner that Saturday.)

Scott cooks a lot and with variety.  It’s made me realize how little I have expanded my recipes in the last year.   Of course, we’ve kind of been living in temporary situations.

Before I left Ex, I cooked dinner every night.  I cooked something different every night because Ex wouldn’t eat leftovers.  I meal-planned every week.  When I moved out, I let my culinary skills rest on the back burner.  It was hard to cook using the roommates’ pots and pans.  And the roommates were vegetarians. 

I’ll finish moving into my new house when I get back from vacation next week.  I’m looking forward getting back to my meal-planning self.  Since Ex’s stuff is all Little Guy’s stuff, and he won’t use a KitchenAid or any Calphalon cookware for many more years, I have a kitchen with every gadget I could ever need, and few that I don’t, ready for me to start making new creations and keep Little Guy (and me) trying new things.

Half-Wished Dreams November 14, 2009

I dreamed last night that Ex was still alive.  We were divorced, and he was still alive.  Ex had wanted to plan a Fairy Party in a trendy store in a nearby half-trendy town.  I agreed to help Ex get more information, just like I always used to do.  I drove to the trendy store with a female acquaintance. 

We got there, and I saw a Korean friend from high school there sitting on the green, carpeted stairs that  patrons sat on to watch live music the store held at night.  He hugged me on the stairs and asked how I was.  “Fine,” I said, as tears came to my eyes.  “Nope, not fine, but I will be,” I told him.  (Ex had gone back to being dead at this point of the dream.)

After the live music played, I got up and tried to find who I believed to be the store owner.  I found her, her other manager and the band upstairs at some tables with suggestion of coke use on them.  (Having never witnessed coke use, it always appears as white dust in my dreams.)   I didn’t want to disturb the owner, so I decided to meander about the store in wait. 

When the owner and band rose from their break, they all flitted about like the butterfly scene in Alice of Wonderland when she has to catch the one with the key to get her through the next door.  It was mayhem.  Children ran around in the fuscia, carpeted lower level.  The adults travelled all three levels in various  levels of excitement.  During this time and the height of my frustration, Ex’s headless, alive self showed up from the kids’ lower level.

I finally found the owner again at a podium under the stairs on the lower level.  I spoke to her, wrote my information down, and left with a brochure about the cost of parties at the store.  I met up with the friend who had driven over with me and got in her big, dark Suburban.  As we drove to our next destination, I let Ex know by cell phone that I had gotten the information that he had wanted for the Fairy Party. 

He must have taken the contact as encouragement that our romantic relationship had not ended because he started sending me suggestive texts and photos, just like he had done in real life after we split.   The first message showed a photo of a shampoo bottle and a message about us showering together.  The next photo showed a stack of pastel, handmade soap blocks, then a stack of soaps on him.  The last photo showed him sitting nude in an “L” position with soaps stacked on his abdomen.  ‘Who took that shot?’ I thought.  I showed them to my friend in disbelief at his repeated efforts to get me back in his sheets.

We got out of the car and headed down Main Street.  I realized that Ex had faked his own death.  He had been alive the whole time!  We had held a memorial service and everything, and for what?!?  Seething, I walked with purpose on the concrete sidewalk in a pair of stacked-heel, black leather boots.  I was gonna kick his ass!  Instead, some young chump came up behind me and tried to mug me or something.  I double-kicked him Mortal Kombat-style.  He retreated to a porch.  “That wasn’t worth ten cents,” he said.

I woke up from this dream confused about reality.  It took a few minutes of asking myself if any of it had been true.  Was Ex alive?  Did Little Guy still have a dad?  Had he really faked his own death?

The memory of seeing Ex lying lifeless in the snow drifted through my mind.  No, none of my dream had been true, and I felt a little disappointed.  I know that Ex is gone forever from this planet.  I sometimes find myself half-wishing he was still here.

Ponderings November 2, 2009

I get a lot of spam email.  After Ex died, I wondered if he had signed me up for these as a last dying joke. Emails about Enzyte, Viagra, Meet Christian Singles (ick, blik, yuck!) started showing up.  Okay, the christian singles one started showing up a lot earlier, but I can’t figure out why.  

I know Ex didn’t sign me up for spam email, but it’s a funny, dark thought to think he did.

While staying in the old house, I have realized that I still feel resentful and mad at times over everything that I have to put in order, even though I have Y&H and my mom and a good friend helping me get things straightened out the best they can.  I have a hundred offers from people to help me with anything and not much I can delegate.  I have about a thousand things I need to do that get pushed to the bottom of the list, such as, changing Ex’s Facebook photo that a stranger suggested that I do.

While some things on the Tying Up Ex’s Loose Ends To-Do List grow, some go away naturally.  I love it when those happen.  The child support agency got notified by the state.  Check!  I didn’t have to call them.  Selling his vehicle and weapon?  Y&H is on it and has buyers for both items and a few other things.  Getting this house off my hands?  I have my momma, two attorneys, and a financial advisor helping me figure out that.  And I’m so grateful.

I know that everything will work out eventually.  Now, back to the paperwork, so I can make it happen.  I intend to have papers off the dining room table and into a file organizer by the end of the night and  a complete spreadsheet of all loose ends Ex left behind.  Check!

Making New Memories November 2, 2009

I took Little Guy trick-or-treating, well trunk-or-treating, on Halloween and then to a community Halloween party.  Little Guy had a blast.  I forgot the camera, so I’ll fake some pics later of Little Guy.  I had a good time seeing friends, but it didn’t take long for the tears to start coming.  It didn’t help that a local business owner and father was there with his family.  I was till sore over his words to me from the day before, business-related.  I glowered at him that night, mad at him for taking his life for granted and for being such a petty dickhead.  

I was okay until a friend of mine came up to me and said, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.  I’m sorry to hear about your Ex.  You know, my dad was murdered when I was 6, and I don’t remember any of it.  It fades over the years.  It will be up to you to help Little Guy remember his dad.  How are you doing?”

“Fine,” I said and smiled as I held back tears.  People can read me like a book.  

“You’re strong,” she said.  ”You’ll make it through this just fine.  It gets easier over time.  Where’s Girlfriend?”

“I haven’t seen her yet,” I said.  I moved out of her place last weekend and back into the old house and have started to move into a different house this week.

She showed up with her mom, daughter, ex-husband and boyfriend.  ”How are you?” she asked.  And then her mom asked, and I thought, ‘I have a whole year to go of making new memories without Ex.’  I kept answering “fine” to everyone and pushing back more tears.  This is the first holiday of the season, and how am I going to do with the rest of them?  

The same way I did with Halloween.  I’ll make new memories, and it will get easier with each one.  Then, I’ll have a whole year done and full of new memories to look back on next year.  I hope that with each year the first day of Fall and Halloween get easier.  I know they will, and maybe I’ll remember to bring the camera.  

As for the local business owner, I decided that I don’t despise him.  I dislike him in general, but aside from that, I also feel a little jealous that he still has his wife and kids.  So I have somewhat stopped wanting to tell him where to go and really want to tell him to treasure what he has because life is fleeting, and life is short, and if I were him, I’d worry about the big stuff and not the small stuff.  

Because of that incident at his business and the way the management runs the company I work for, I have decided that I need a new job.  So, here’s to a year of making new memories and creating the life that I want.

 

Talk Thursday – One Step at a Time October 19, 2009

I have three theme songs these days.  (Nerd Alert!  I know.)  Often, I find myself singing the choruses of these songs…to myself.

1) “I Am a Rock” by Simon & Garfunkel

2) “Stronger” by Britney Spears

3) “One Step at a Time” by Jordin Sparks.

These days I feel like I take everything one step at a time.  I feel so overwhelmed most of the time with tying up loose ends, finding a place to live, the mounds of bills I have to pay, including the mortgage for the old house and my rent, the people I have to call or who call me, working two jobs and taking care of Little Guy.  In order to get through everything, I take each day one step at a time.  It seems like everything that everyone needs, they need it yesterday.  I remind myself that I’m only human and can do as much as I can do, and I am doing a damn good job at holding my shit together so far, if I do say so myself.  

I will get through my mourning and raising Little Guy the best I can through it all and answering his questions.  One day soon, a lot of the loose ends will get tied up, and I can look back and breathe a sigh of relief.

A Mourner’s Guilt October 18, 2009

Little Guy and I are at the old house today.  Housesitting ended, and we don’t have anywhere else to go without imposing on anyone.  We took a walk in the neighborhood.  Little Guy started talking about the day that his daddy went to the woods and died.  He seemed hurt by the fact that his dad had gone for a walk without him that morning.  Little Guy had tried to go with him, but Ex told him, “Go back inside.”  He did.

I asked Little Guy if he had watched him from the window in the house, but he said, “no.”

I asked Little Guy if he started playing with Legos when he went back inside because that was what he was doing when I picked him up.  He said, “no.”  

I asked Little Guy if his daddy had made him breakfast that morning.  He said, “yes.”

I asked Little Guy if his daddy had told him that I was going to pick him up that morning.  He misunderstood me and said, “Nope, my dad didn’t say he was going to pick me up again.”

I so wanted to find out what happened that morning, but I know I’ll have to wait until Little Guy is older before I find out more of the story.  

I remember packing Little Guy up in the car that morning when I had finally gotten him dressed about an hour after I arrived.  Ex still hadn’t shown up.  I remember thinking, ‘Ex is out there, dead or alive, he’s nearby.’  I told Little Guy to holler out to him before we left, in case Ex could hear him.  He hollered and got no response.  I half wanted to go and look for him right then, and I half wanted to just get the hell out of there and get Little Guy to a safe place so I could come back and find Ex.  I picked the second option.

I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen the first, going to look for him right then, when he was probably still alive, according to the Coroner’s report.  He was sitting there in the woods waiting for us to leave, waiting to know that he was alone and Little Guy was safe.  What would Ex have done?  Would he have pulled the trigger if I approached him?  Would he have let me talk him out of it and gotten in my car and let me take him somewhere he would be safe and maybe still alive now?  Would he have pulled the trigger on me?  I doubt it.  What would I have done if I had found Ex dead while I still had Little Guy with me?  That would have been AWFUL!  What a terrible, nightmarish memory that would have made for Little Guy.  

I know that it’s not my fault, any of it, and that I’m not responsible for his death.  It was his choice.  I guess I’m not done what-if’ing when I shouldn’t.  I can’t change the past.  I can only accept it and make the most of the present.  

Last night’s Yogi Tea fortune read, “Those who live in the past limit their future.”  I couldn’t help but think about Ex first.  He spent so much time living in his past and trying to overcome it.  Then, I turned my thoughts on myself and prayed silently to the stars that I would overcome this event and feel normal again, soon.