Happy Cat June 10, 2009

My cat is so happy right now.  He has draped his paw and head over my left arm, snuggled his body next to my leg and won’t stop purring.  Yes, it’s hard to type with him on me like this, and yes, I have a million other things I should be doing right now.  But he’s so happy.  

Wanting my kid and I to have separate beds motivates me to find a new living situation.  Seeing my cat so content also motivates me to find a place where we can live together again.  

Sorry, kitty.  I have to switch the laundry.  My mom is on her way to visit right now, and the sheets have to go in the dryer.  Also, Ex is coming home early from his trip, so I have one less day to do everything else that I need to do here, such as, more laundry, and getting the remnants of my things gathered and transported to my home.  My groceries and clean clothes are WAY organized.  

By the way, no one won the Scrabble game last night.  I started dozing off each time it wasn’t my turn, so I called ‘time out’ and went to bed.  We’ll finish the game tomorrow…or start a new one with my mom.  I was winning by about 30 points, though.

It’s official. March 9, 2009

I’m divorced.  Yay!  I’m divorced!

Friday morning, divorce day, I woke up to four elk in the field outside my bedroom window.  The sun rose next presenting all colors: orange, pink, yellow, green, blue, violet.  Little Guy and I sat in bed and watched the elk graze for 10 minutes.  

Somehow, Little Guy and I were ready to go ON TIME that morning.  I got Little Guy to daycare at 8:20 a.m. and arrived at the courthouse at 8:22 a.m.  The hearing was at 8:30 a.m.  Amazing!  I run 15 minutes late almost all the time, especially first thing in the morning when I have to get two of us ready.  

I walked into the courthouse wearing a sweater I had retrieved from the give-away & never-want-to-see-it-again bag.  I saw Ex waiting outside the courtroom.  We greeted each other then maintained silence until the guard let us in.  We sat down at two different tables and shot the shit until the judge came in.  Upon the judge settling in, he commended us for getting along and keeping Little Guy’s best interests a priority.  

We got through the rest of the proceedings over the next 30 minutes.  Ex kept his eyes down and stayed pretty quiet.  I did most of the interacting and speaking with the judge.  My back stayed straight and I kept my head up and looked the judge in the eye when we spoke to each other.  After the judge pronounced us officially divorced, he commended us again for our honorable behavior.  Then, he asked what the lunch specials were going to be that day at the restaurant, which I didn’t know.

I got in my car and thought that the hearing went a lot easier than I expected.  I reacted in a way I didn’t expect.  I didn’t cry.  I didn’t start planning a celebration either.  I felt relieved, like I could move on with my life.  I felt empowered and pensive.  I peppered my work day with a few butt-shaking boogies over the legal change, but that was it.  

I felt exhausted.  I hadn’t slept well.  I had anticipation leading up to the hearing in good and bad ways.  I went home wanting to lie in bed and read, but having Little Guy with me that night made that hard to accomplish.  I ended up lying in bed for a while so still.  My eyes moved from one end of the ceiling to the other.  My chest floated up and down.  My mind ran so fast I couldn’t have done anything else but be still.  

I expected to go out for a celebratory drink the next night, but after working a double shift at the restaurant, I could only think about sleeping.  I will celebrate in my own way when I’m ready.  I know that I celebrated a little when I ended the relationship November 1st.  Every day feels like a celebration to have moved past feeling like a caged bird.  

Freedom.  Peace.  Happiness.  Contentment.  Celebrate every day.

Optimistic Realism January 18, 2009

Holy cow! I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything since November. I have written, but not much or frequently.

Mom visited for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She stayed with Ex for Thanksgiving and with me for Christmas. After her Christmas stay, she informed me that my life is complicated.

I disagreed…until today.

During her visit, she saw me in my real, new life, living in one room with my son 5 days a week and sharing a home with a family about whom I care a lot. Some days I feel like I drive back and forth between my old home and my new home and daycare. And then, I fit in a social life and three jobs, one of which is working for Ex. Tricky, I know.

I will say that I have it pretty good. Life is good. I have no regrets about my decision to reclaim my life, I mean, get divorced from Husband. We get along better now than we did when we were together.
I think Little Guy feels my relief and more positive feelings toward Ex. He’s very matter-of-fact about the situation of where I live now.

Since I left Ex, he has decided that he needs to change himself. (You’re welcome.) He’ll make a better father and a better husband for his second wife. He will remarry, and I want him to do it for the right reasons. Though, with our child in the picture, it kind of scares the shit out of me to think about another entire family coming into Little Guy’s life. I see a lot of opportunity, too, for all of us.

As for me, I have learned a lot about life and myself. I still don’t believe in marriage, unless it involves separate houses and separate everything, and then what’s the point? I must have believed in marriage a smidge when I did it, but it always felt temporary. Maybe if I hadn’t married him, I would never have grown as much courage as I have. I’d like to think not, but maybe. I could have had a live-in partner or two over the last 8 years and had to have left them, until I learned not to believe in living with your partner. Ha ha.

For a person who walks on the sunny side of the street, this post seems more realistic than sunny. Optimistic realism.

Well, friends, I’m dog-sitting tonight and my complicated life has caught up to me and begins again tomorrow. I’m hitting the sack and wish everyone contentment.