Simplified November 13, 2009

Since the passing in September, I’ve been a bit on the run housesitting from place to place then back at my old house.  I’ve had about 6 or 7 shirts and two pair of pants and about 6 or 7 outfits for Little Guy with me.  Normally, I dictate to myself that all laundry gets sorted by cold water wash of lights apart from darks then things that need warm water, like unmentionables, sheets and towels.  With all the clothes that Little Guy have been carrying with us from place to place, it hasn’t made sense to separate anything.  It all goes in the wash together. 

Since reclaiming some of my own space in the new house that I’m moving into, I’ve been able to go back to separating laundry.  Now, instead of sorting the lights and darks, I keep it to cold water wash and warm water wash.  Life got simpler this way for me.  I’ve let go one step and one unimportant detail in my life.  The clothes have not taken on each other’s colors, so far.  Laundry goes in two piles not three or four.  I wish I had caught on to this years ago.

Making New Memories November 2, 2009

I took Little Guy trick-or-treating, well trunk-or-treating, on Halloween and then to a community Halloween party.  Little Guy had a blast.  I forgot the camera, so I’ll fake some pics later of Little Guy.  I had a good time seeing friends, but it didn’t take long for the tears to start coming.  It didn’t help that a local business owner and father was there with his family.  I was till sore over his words to me from the day before, business-related.  I glowered at him that night, mad at him for taking his life for granted and for being such a petty dickhead.  

I was okay until a friend of mine came up to me and said, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.  I’m sorry to hear about your Ex.  You know, my dad was murdered when I was 6, and I don’t remember any of it.  It fades over the years.  It will be up to you to help Little Guy remember his dad.  How are you doing?”

“Fine,” I said and smiled as I held back tears.  People can read me like a book.  

“You’re strong,” she said.  ”You’ll make it through this just fine.  It gets easier over time.  Where’s Girlfriend?”

“I haven’t seen her yet,” I said.  I moved out of her place last weekend and back into the old house and have started to move into a different house this week.

She showed up with her mom, daughter, ex-husband and boyfriend.  ”How are you?” she asked.  And then her mom asked, and I thought, ‘I have a whole year to go of making new memories without Ex.’  I kept answering “fine” to everyone and pushing back more tears.  This is the first holiday of the season, and how am I going to do with the rest of them?  

The same way I did with Halloween.  I’ll make new memories, and it will get easier with each one.  Then, I’ll have a whole year done and full of new memories to look back on next year.  I hope that with each year the first day of Fall and Halloween get easier.  I know they will, and maybe I’ll remember to bring the camera.  

As for the local business owner, I decided that I don’t despise him.  I dislike him in general, but aside from that, I also feel a little jealous that he still has his wife and kids.  So I have somewhat stopped wanting to tell him where to go and really want to tell him to treasure what he has because life is fleeting, and life is short, and if I were him, I’d worry about the big stuff and not the small stuff.  

Because of that incident at his business and the way the management runs the company I work for, I have decided that I need a new job.  So, here’s to a year of making new memories and creating the life that I want.

 

Talk Thursday – One Step at a Time October 19, 2009

I have three theme songs these days.  (Nerd Alert!  I know.)  Often, I find myself singing the choruses of these songs…to myself.

1) “I Am a Rock” by Simon & Garfunkel

2) “Stronger” by Britney Spears

3) “One Step at a Time” by Jordin Sparks.

These days I feel like I take everything one step at a time.  I feel so overwhelmed most of the time with tying up loose ends, finding a place to live, the mounds of bills I have to pay, including the mortgage for the old house and my rent, the people I have to call or who call me, working two jobs and taking care of Little Guy.  In order to get through everything, I take each day one step at a time.  It seems like everything that everyone needs, they need it yesterday.  I remind myself that I’m only human and can do as much as I can do, and I am doing a damn good job at holding my shit together so far, if I do say so myself.  

I will get through my mourning and raising Little Guy the best I can through it all and answering his questions.  One day soon, a lot of the loose ends will get tied up, and I can look back and breathe a sigh of relief.

Now That Things Have Changed October 18, 2009

Remember the last showdown Ex and I had over painting Little Guy’s nails?  Little Guy does.  After I got out of the shower yesterday morning, Little Guy noticed my painted toe nails. 

“I want paint on my nails,” he said.  “My dad’s dead, so I can have paint on my nails, now, wight Mama?  Mama, can I?”

“If that’s what you want, that’s fine with me,” I told him.

“Wight now?” he asked.

“No, not right now, “ I said.  “I don’t have it with me.”  (We’re housesitting.)

“Waiter?”  he asked. 

“Yes, maybe later, next week some time.” 

I have decided that it’s fine for him to have paint on a nail or two or all, if he wants, until he goes to school.  Yes, I feel like I need to protect him from the ridicule he would receive.  Now, with no daddy, he’ll already be different enough.  I see no need to push that any further. 

Oh, and yes, Little Guy knows in the most vague, most honest terms I could find for a 4-year-old that his dad got hurt really bad and died and has turned into a star that we wave to at night. 

Little Guy has romanticized the star bit and made up so many stories that we could write a series on just what the star of his dead daddy can and cannot do.

Talk Thursday – My Reason for not July 6, 2009

My reason for not: fear.  I need to call an attorney today to help me get my Ex to cooperate with our divorce agreement.  I have put it off for at least a month or two.  I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of his reaction.  It seems that every week, I slam him with another demand or criticism.  I refuse to answer his calls.  It’s what I’m left to do.  I have to take responsibility for me and Little Guy, and sometimes that means getting backup, legal-won’t-take-no-for-an-answer-get-shit-done backup.  He hasn’t taken responsibility, so I will.

I’m also calling on places to live today.  I have a day off from the Ranch, so I’m getting stuff done that I have put off for too long, such as finding a place to live, copying all of my summer contracts, copying keys, and a list of other things.  At least I did two loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, made Little Guy’s lunch, and cleaned the bathroom after I woke up with the sun this morning.  

Facing the music now,

Jenniphur

Talk Thursday – Attitude Adjustment July 6, 2009

I walked into work after the second round of guests had checked out last week to find a fairly tidy home to take care of after them.  Praise the stars.  I wish all guests left the house that clean.  

I went down to the basement and something they had done annoyed me, which set me off.  I took a minute, noticing my fierce and foul mood change over something small.  

“It doesn’t matter, I told myself.  Be thankful they left the house so damn clean and that it happened two weeks in a row.”  

I can’t ask for much more than that, and it’s not worth sweating the small stuff.  I have to keep my attitude in check.  I’m the boss, dammit, and I have a staff of six this year to motivate and keep on track, and if my mood sucks, so will theirs.  

I kept moving and everything stayed on track and organized last week, unlike the week before which was really just a cluster-fuck, since I was short a staff member and all of us work other jobs and have to carefully schedule time to keep the Ranch in working order or better.  We’ll see what this week brings, but I know that no matter what, only the big stuff matters.  Thank the stars I have a job and more work coming in and connections to get me to a better place soon.

What do you do to keep your attitude in check and positive?

Increase the Caffeine June 20, 2009

After drinking tea for 7 months rather than coffee, I switched back to coffee.  Life got too crazy for me to put up with tea.  I needed the real stuff.  I knew the truth when I started brewing my morning cup of tea with two tea bags.  

“Forget it,” I said.  ”I’m back on coffee for the summer.”

That was two weeks ago.  Life. Is. Great!  I can’t believe I ever quit this fantastic habit that makes me feel almost normal.  

One surprise:  I thought I would require less coffee every day after having tea for so long.  Turns out, I need 5 cups a day to feel like a normal person.  I started with 3, went to 4, and after yesterday, I decided on 5. Maybe it’s just the day.  I’d like to stick to 4, but with prepping the Ranch for our first wedding of the season, finding out last Saturday that I have to find a new place to live, working at the busy restaurant and a looming breakup with Boyfriend, I need all the coping assistance I can find in my daily java.  I’m going to drink really good, organic coffee this go-round.

Four more months, then no more weddings.  Until then, I’m booked solid and working 6 days a week again.  Praise the stars, I have a full staff this year, so I will have time to be with Little Guy and date.  I want to stay single and unattached this summer, after I stop procrastinating said breakup.  I haven’t spent much time with Boyfriend in the last week and a half.  I’ve just worked.  I want to date like I want to try the flavors in a combo box of popsicles.  

I got a lead on a person who may be able to help me find a job in the City.  I gave 7 months of notice that I intend to leave the restaurant.  And she got mad and sad and cried.  

I feel like I’m in a big house where I have the keys to all the doors.  It feels good and a little stressful.

TT – I’m Late June 19, 2009

I find it only appropriate to post this… late.  I also find this topic appropriate because I always run late.  Almost everywhere I go.  If you want me to be somewhere on time, tell me to be there 15 minutes before you want me there.  It works.  I swear.  

I have had this trait since forever, and I would blame motherhood, but in all honesty, I ran late before I had a child.  

I can trace learning this habit back to both my parents.  They both ran late almost all the time everywhere they went.  Hm, a pattern emerges.  I wonder if they learned it from their parents.  

I made it one of my goals last year to better prepare myself each night for the next day to nip this thing in the bud.  I still pick sleep or internet over prepping for the next day.  

So, I’m housesitting and dogsitting for the next week.  I started this morning.  Last week, my boss yelled at me for being late to work by 2 minutes.  Yes, 2 minutes.  My boss asked me to “Please get here 5 minutes early from now on.”  

The house is a little farther away from work than mine, but closer to the highway.  It took me 5 minutes to get to work today, and I had planned on 10.  That’s right.  I arrived at work 5 minutes early which gave me enough time to put my contacts in and apply blush and mascara all in time to start working… on time.  

I. Love. Housesitting. Here.

excuse me as I vomit June 3, 2009

Excuse me as I vomit my entire life into this blog.  I cannot help it.  I hold many things back.  I cannot tell you the specifics of my dramatic day at work that made me wonder just what the hell I’m doing there…still.

I can tell you how much fun I had at Ex-Husband’s house when Little Guy gave him his birthday present.  I got him a balloon rocket from Little Guy.  It took an hour of playing with the toys at True Value yesterday to select the right gift and get what we went there for in the first place.  

I haven’t laughed so much with Ex and Little Guy together in a long time.  It felt good in a friendly, ex kind of way.  I thought the squealing balloons that chased all over the ceiling would make the dog unhappy.  Turns out, he liked chasing the squealing balloons as much as we liked watching them fly all over the house.  The cat had NO interest, but he didn’t bush his tail at them either.  

Happy Birthday, Ex.  Have a good first trip to Europe!

On a personal note June 2, 2009

I’m still living with Roomie and her family.  My room is almost always a mess.  I realized that this is due to having two people living in one room.  We’re enjoying it, even though we’re cramped.  Roomie finished the bathroom downstairs which made life a lot easier for everyone.  We still have just one shower and hot water issues at this time.  

Boyfriend and I have exited the Honeymoon phase of our relationship.  As he spent a month on the road, and I took care of his dogs and place, I realized more about myself and what I want from a partner.  I started a new list.  It includes some qualities that Boyfriend has, such as, that he likes to cook and we have a fabulous, passionate relationship, he’s great with kids, and we can talk about dang near anything without fear of offending the other.  He doesn’t have it all, though, and I’m starting to take issue with it, like the messy, messy house and religious differences and alcohol consumption.

Then, I started a gratitude journal.  I don’t write in it daily, but almost.  Mostly it contains the moments to cherish that happen between me and Kevin, like him staying right by me in the grocery store, or putting on pajamas when I tell him to.  What a good boy!  I love his age.  Anything good that happens or I think about, I write it down.  Sometimes, I write about the noises I hear in the field, like the frogs or the wind chimes, or coming home to herds of elk in the yard.  Talk about reverence!

I got approved for state aid to help with daycare costs today.  Holy fiddlesticks, I’m going to be okay for a while.  They will probably deny aid to me come winter.  We’ll see what happens.  Who knows where I’ll be living or working by then.  I’d like to get out of this mountain town.  I miss the city.  I miss opportunities.  I miss lots of live music venues.  I miss short drives to see live music that isn’t just hippie mountain music.  Nothing against hippies.  I just want more variety and zen centers and dance classes and color in my world.