Duality September 27, 2009

I’ve thought all week about the last post I wrote and whether it’s a small issue or a big one.  I don’t want to fight about small stuff, if it doesn’t matter.   I don’t have to fight with Ex at all anymore.  That’s the good news.  

The bad news is that Little Guy only has me for a parent and no Dada.  That’s the gentle way of saying that his dad chose to end his life last Monday morning.  

A friend of ours told me this week that there’s nothing worse than seeing someone you love(d) dead by his own hand.  ”Great,” I said.  ”So it can’t get any worse, it can only get better.”  

Yes, I found him.  I had to.  Something wasn’t right that morning when I went to pick up Little Guy, and his dad had “gone for a walk in the woods in his slippers.”  

BIG. RED. FLAG.  

I took Little Guy to daycare where he’d be safe and headed back to the house with human support.  

Since that moment, everything has changed, well, almost.  My Mama still loves me.

No more fighting over what Little Guy eats because I have all the control over that.

I had gotten used to having nights to myself every week, but now I have none.  I have Little Guy every day which is wonderful and hard and has made me ask myself how single people choose to adopt a child.  Wow!  That takes a lot of strength to seek out.

I have a dog again.  The roomies love him and so do their dogs and cats.  

For everything I lose, I feel a gain.  I might feel differently in a year or when Little Guy starts asking questions.  I can’t replace his daddy, but I can fill a void.  I feel such appreciation for life and for Little Guy being in my life.  

I may never understand Ex’s choice, and I’m trying to let that go.  I want to instill in Little Guy what matters in life, including life itself.  It sounds a little complicated yet simple.

Balance? June 7, 2009

Last night after work as I enjoyed my shift drink, Duck Pond Cabernet (yum!), my friends and I were laughing over this situation:

We have internet at the house again, but only enough hot water for one person to shower per day.

I’m housesitting at Ex’s for 10 days and had looked forward to the unlimited hot water I would have here until…

Ex told me that the hot water has been going out and I would have to turn a dial to get it to work every day.  

Ha ha ha ha.  Joke’s on me.  In the big picture, it’s better than no hot water at all.  I can deal with lukewarm.  

I have another housesitting/dogsitting gig in a couple weeks.  Last night, I asked about the hot water supply there, and I will have oodles of hot water.  He said I could do laundry all day if I wanted to, and he would still have hot water.  I’m looking forward to that!

I won’t do laundry all day, but I will appreciate the abundance of hot water.

Separation vs. Reconciliation June 9, 2008

It seems that separation and divorce have been in the air lately among the people I know.  I got an email from a friend who got divorced in February.  She has reconciled with her ex-husband, and they will remarry.  He’s relocating back to her area.  

It got me thinking that if divorce and separation are in the air, then reconciliation is in the air, too.  Yin for a yang.  Balance.  Maybe separation is a reconciliation in a different way, a reconciliation to be apart from a partner.  What happened to make it possible for a couple to be together after divorcing each other, and what makes another couple not be able to do the same thing?  Not that reconciliation to be together is the right choice for every couple.    For these two, it felt right to read the good news this afternoon.  

No, I’m not separating from Husband, in case you were wondering.  I was just thinking about people and the ceremonies we have created and in which we partake (or don’t.)  Ah, the choices we make and their consequences.  That has been the theme for me in the last week and a half.  

Before I choose this comfy couch again, I will force myself to do all the dishes…unless another thought pops in my head, which they seem to do when I try to do the dishes at night and listen to my headphones.  PJ Harvey’s on my ears tonight.  She’s so moody and passionate and a little dark.   

Separation vs. Reconciliation Part 2 is on its way, but I haven’t nailed down the right words and thoughts yet.