Papa Appreciation November 21, 2009

On the drive to dinner tonight, I felt a twinge of appreciation for my dad being around.  I have memories of him, most of them good, and almost all heart-wrenching after 1993.  “Huey Lewis and the Snooze” as Sid calls them came into the conversation.  I admitted that I have one of the albums, and (Nerd Alert!) I still listen to it.  My dad and I listened to that group on our monthly road trips to Idaho.  A lot of  80’s music reminds me of the good years we had together before I became a free-thinking teenager, and we could be in the same room for longer than an hour without human buffers. 

I have memories of him.

Little Guy has a lot of memories of his dad right now.  According to my grief counselor and a girlfriend who lost her father at 6 years old, those memories of his will fade, unless I keep them fresh in his mind.  Everyone has told me to only remember the good things about Ex and to forget all the rest, especially when it comes to Little Guy. 

Maybe that’s what I should do with the memories of my dad.  He’s still alive, but he won’t speak to me, so it counts more as a non-relationship.  I should remember the good things, and forget the rest.  After all, life’s too short to bother with holding on to anything but the good.

Ponderings November 2, 2009

I get a lot of spam email.  After Ex died, I wondered if he had signed me up for these as a last dying joke. Emails about Enzyte, Viagra, Meet Christian Singles (ick, blik, yuck!) started showing up.  Okay, the christian singles one started showing up a lot earlier, but I can’t figure out why.  

I know Ex didn’t sign me up for spam email, but it’s a funny, dark thought to think he did.

While staying in the old house, I have realized that I still feel resentful and mad at times over everything that I have to put in order, even though I have Y&H and my mom and a good friend helping me get things straightened out the best they can.  I have a hundred offers from people to help me with anything and not much I can delegate.  I have about a thousand things I need to do that get pushed to the bottom of the list, such as, changing Ex’s Facebook photo that a stranger suggested that I do.

While some things on the Tying Up Ex’s Loose Ends To-Do List grow, some go away naturally.  I love it when those happen.  The child support agency got notified by the state.  Check!  I didn’t have to call them.  Selling his vehicle and weapon?  Y&H is on it and has buyers for both items and a few other things.  Getting this house off my hands?  I have my momma, two attorneys, and a financial advisor helping me figure out that.  And I’m so grateful.

I know that everything will work out eventually.  Now, back to the paperwork, so I can make it happen.  I intend to have papers off the dining room table and into a file organizer by the end of the night and  a complete spreadsheet of all loose ends Ex left behind.  Check!

Making New Memories November 2, 2009

I took Little Guy trick-or-treating, well trunk-or-treating, on Halloween and then to a community Halloween party.  Little Guy had a blast.  I forgot the camera, so I’ll fake some pics later of Little Guy.  I had a good time seeing friends, but it didn’t take long for the tears to start coming.  It didn’t help that a local business owner and father was there with his family.  I was till sore over his words to me from the day before, business-related.  I glowered at him that night, mad at him for taking his life for granted and for being such a petty dickhead.  

I was okay until a friend of mine came up to me and said, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.  I’m sorry to hear about your Ex.  You know, my dad was murdered when I was 6, and I don’t remember any of it.  It fades over the years.  It will be up to you to help Little Guy remember his dad.  How are you doing?”

“Fine,” I said and smiled as I held back tears.  People can read me like a book.  

“You’re strong,” she said.  ”You’ll make it through this just fine.  It gets easier over time.  Where’s Girlfriend?”

“I haven’t seen her yet,” I said.  I moved out of her place last weekend and back into the old house and have started to move into a different house this week.

She showed up with her mom, daughter, ex-husband and boyfriend.  ”How are you?” she asked.  And then her mom asked, and I thought, ‘I have a whole year to go of making new memories without Ex.’  I kept answering “fine” to everyone and pushing back more tears.  This is the first holiday of the season, and how am I going to do with the rest of them?  

The same way I did with Halloween.  I’ll make new memories, and it will get easier with each one.  Then, I’ll have a whole year done and full of new memories to look back on next year.  I hope that with each year the first day of Fall and Halloween get easier.  I know they will, and maybe I’ll remember to bring the camera.  

As for the local business owner, I decided that I don’t despise him.  I dislike him in general, but aside from that, I also feel a little jealous that he still has his wife and kids.  So I have somewhat stopped wanting to tell him where to go and really want to tell him to treasure what he has because life is fleeting, and life is short, and if I were him, I’d worry about the big stuff and not the small stuff.  

Because of that incident at his business and the way the management runs the company I work for, I have decided that I need a new job.  So, here’s to a year of making new memories and creating the life that I want.

 

Defeat and Triumph September 15, 2009

I feel defeated.  

I picked up Little Guy yesterday from Ex-Hubby’s yesterday morning after my meeting at work.  I was backing out of the driveway when Ex came out of the house with a plastic bottle of root beer, opened Little Guy’s door, handed it to him, and said, “Don’t forget this!”

A look of disgust came over my face as I sneered and smiled at the same time toward Ex.  Nothing turns my kid into a whining, crying, hyper, inattentive alien child faster than high fructose corn syrup.  I have a hard time believing I birthed him when he acts like that, then again, he’s a 4-year-old angel most of the time.  

I left Ex’s house and didn’t respond to anything Little Guy had to say about, “My dad lets me have this,” or  ”I like this drink, Mom.” 

“Mmhmm,” was all I said.  

Before we had left the house, Ex blocked me into the bathroom and said, “And one more thing before you leave,” (I forgot what the first thing was, if he had one.) “Stop painting Little Guy’s fingernails.”

“Why?” I said.  ”He likes it.”

“Stop it.  Even females think you should stop.”

“He asks me to paint them.”

I looked at Little Guy, who looked at me, then we looked back at his dad.  I shrugged my shoulders and wished I would have told him to tell his testosterone-poisoned, homophobic acquaintances to suck my dirty, running socks and thank their lucky stars that he doesn’t do other things that would appall them more.  Ex backed out of the bathroom door jam, let me through, and Little Guy and I left.  

So, I ask myself, where’s my triumph?  Does it lie in peace of mind that Little Guy spends most of his time with me?  Does it lie with his future that he will stay the angelic child that I love and have raised?  Does it lie with the knowledge of balance in the world and in his life between us two opposing parents that he will grow up to make his own decisions based on the perspectives we have given him?  Does the triumph come in because I stand up to Ex now and for my choices and Little Guy’s, and that I didn’t agree to stop painting his nails?  Or is it all of that?  

No, it’s not about winning the battle(s) to me.  It’s still about being strong and trying to open up Ex’s resistant mind (no, I don’t know why I keep trying) and keeping Little Guy’s mind active, positive, and aware.

Unforgettable August 15, 2009

Yesterday I turned 30.  I want to remember it like this:

I slept in, took Little Guy to daycare, and then got a back rub while watching the “Rocky & Bullwinkle” movie.

I went to work at the restaurant and worked hard because it was busy.  I made some bucks.  I finished eating lunch at 5.

I picked up Little Guy and went home where I found a card and a Hip Hop Party CD from Girlfriend Roomie.  Upstairs, her boyfriend had bought me a cake made of chocolate cookie with a chocolate ganache on top.  The kids and I went downstairs to have a dance party.  I danced and sang.  They didn’t.  They read books under Little Guy’s bed.  I drank a vodka tonic.  Mommy needed a birthday drink.  Tonic sprayed everywhere when I opened it.

I texted back and forth with someone I’ll refer to as “Young & Handsome,” or Y&H for short.  He wanted to meet me for some dancing.  Girlfriend and I planned to go out, since Guy Roomie agreed to stay home with the kids after they fell asleep.  Girlfriend had homework to finish first.

After dinner, the kids and I had another dance party and we ALL danced.  Then it was PJ time.  I put Little Guy to bed, snuggled him, then waited for him to fall asleep.

Then Boyfriend called.  And I told him that I didn’t want to feel tied down anymore.  I want to see other people.  I’m not ready for a relationship so recently after my divorce, and I had jumped into this one too soon.  He was sad, told me he loves me, and we hung up.  He understood.  We may still hang out, but it feels tainted now.  

Little Guy fell asleep just after 10 p.m.  I texted Young & Handsome that I could go out.  Free of child responsibility.  Free of a serious relationship and any future guilt that may occur.  I felt relieved, a little sad, and then liberation bubbled up and burst out like the tonic water had earlier.  I smelled the 30 red, birthday roses in my bedroom, said “later” to Girlfriend who was still doing homework, and headed out. 

I met up with Young & Handsome at the Highway and got in his truck.  He smelled like grape lip balm and had styled his coarse hair into a short, spiky, upwards hairdo.  He’s so young and pretty I thought.  I complimented him on his hair.

We checked out the music scene down the road, then decided to head over the hill for some better and different action.  We went to a bar in the town and had a drink while listening to a solo guitarist playing 90’s college scene music.  It wasn’t what I was looking for, so I said, “You’re so young and pretty.  Let’s go for a walk up the street.”  I knew a good dancing place, and he’d never been there before.

We took a walk up there, and I had a couple more vodka-somethings and then we boogied to the live DJ spinning tunes that mostly he knew.  We danced.  We got jiggy with it.  Ta-na-na-na-na-na.  Okay, maybe not.  We had fun, fun, fun, and Daddy didn’t take the T-Bird away.  

He’s not the best dancer, but he’s not the worst.  He’s way fun to dance with.  We’ve danced together before.  One night, he tried to dance dorkier than I do, but failed and gave the crown back to me.  I am un-out-dorkable!  Thank you, Sid, for teaching me some awesome moves!

It was an unforgettable 30th birthday!

Talk Thursday – the sweetest perfection August 6, 2009

Lemon Drop Martini Recipe for 2-4 people

 1/4 c. triple sec

1/2 c. vodka

1/2 fresh lemon squeezed

1/4 c. lemonade

1 c. ice

Put all ingredients into a martini shaker, close it up, shake and pour into multiple glasses for a Lemon Drop happy hour for you and 2 friends.  

*****

The Sweetest Perfection

chivalry without sexism

singing along full-voice with the car windows down

foot rubs

back rubs

quiet houses after the kids have gone to sleep

quiet houses when the kids are away

happy cats

full rainbows

hot tea and a good book

hot tea and good conversation

Little Guy telling me his version of books

Little Guy laughing

the sunny side of the street

Balance? June 7, 2009

Last night after work as I enjoyed my shift drink, Duck Pond Cabernet (yum!), my friends and I were laughing over this situation:

We have internet at the house again, but only enough hot water for one person to shower per day.

I’m housesitting at Ex’s for 10 days and had looked forward to the unlimited hot water I would have here until…

Ex told me that the hot water has been going out and I would have to turn a dial to get it to work every day.  

Ha ha ha ha.  Joke’s on me.  In the big picture, it’s better than no hot water at all.  I can deal with lukewarm.  

I have another housesitting/dogsitting gig in a couple weeks.  Last night, I asked about the hot water supply there, and I will have oodles of hot water.  He said I could do laundry all day if I wanted to, and he would still have hot water.  I’m looking forward to that!

I won’t do laundry all day, but I will appreciate the abundance of hot water.

Perspective – Single Mom Life June 6, 2009

Last night as I was driving home at 10:00 p.m. with my drowsy kid in the backseat, I realized that in order for me, as a single mom, to have a social life and get things done, my kid has to go with me on occasion.  Sometimes, this means that he’ll be awake two hours past bedtime.  

I have criticized my mom in the past for letting me be such a night owl as a small child.  I didn’t have a bedtime really, so I stayed up until 10:00 p.m. every night when I was small.  I often would fall asleep on my dad while we watched the 10:00 news.  I don’t remember what time I had to get up every morning in order for me and my parents to get to wherever we had to be on time.  I can tell you that it was TOO DAMN EARLY!

Since having a child of my own and seeing the difference in behavior after a good night’s rest versus keeping him up late, I have convinced myself that I would have been more cheerful in the morning had a I either a) gone to bed earlier or b) gotten to wake up when I was ready.  Unfortunately for everyone involved in my life before 10:00 a.m. from childhood through my mid-twenties, it took a while for me to come around and act awake enough to function and be nice.  

So, here’s the pickle. Some nights I choose to have a life and go on dates with Boyfriend and my child, such as on Thursday.  Boyfriend’s idea, not mine.  Boyfriend’s pretty cool and gets extra points for that one.  Last night, I also chose to keep us out late in order to see Guy Roomie play guitar at a local bar’s Family Night instead of doing paperwork.  Paperwork never goes away.  Guy Roomie won’t be with us much longer.  I couldn’t be Responsible Jenniphur last night.  I needed to be Appreciating Life Jenniphur.  So, we stayed out late (9 p.m.) and then ran an errand.  

Most nights, I choose to stay in and let us get the rest we need.  As a single mom, I have to wonder how my decisions will affect Little Guy later in life.  I hope he appreciates what we do together, no matter what time we get to bed.  I also hope he appreciates how much I enjoy his company and spending time with him.  I want him to value the time he has with the ones he loves and the ones who love him.

excuse me as I vomit June 3, 2009

Excuse me as I vomit my entire life into this blog.  I cannot help it.  I hold many things back.  I cannot tell you the specifics of my dramatic day at work that made me wonder just what the hell I’m doing there…still.

I can tell you how much fun I had at Ex-Husband’s house when Little Guy gave him his birthday present.  I got him a balloon rocket from Little Guy.  It took an hour of playing with the toys at True Value yesterday to select the right gift and get what we went there for in the first place.  

I haven’t laughed so much with Ex and Little Guy together in a long time.  It felt good in a friendly, ex kind of way.  I thought the squealing balloons that chased all over the ceiling would make the dog unhappy.  Turns out, he liked chasing the squealing balloons as much as we liked watching them fly all over the house.  The cat had NO interest, but he didn’t bush his tail at them either.  

Happy Birthday, Ex.  Have a good first trip to Europe!

Last Week’s TT – Saying Goodbye June 2, 2009

“Saying goodbye is never an easy thing, but you never said, you’d stay forever.  So if you must go, then darling I’ll set you free.  I know in time, we’ll be together.” Taylor Daynes

My dad and I used to listen to Taylor Daynes’ album as we drove to and from Idaho to see family on the weekends, about once a month.  I knew all the lyrics well at one time.  I still do.  They’re just a little foggy, like the drive home from Breckenridge last night.  No, the drive home was REALLY foggy.  Back to the story.

Thinking back, my dad and I listened to some pretty dorky 80’s music that I LOVED.  Wham!  I keep that in my car in the CD holder at all times.  Yes, I bought Glenn Frey, Huey Lewis and the News, The Bangles and a few others of whose songs I could not forget over the years.  

Listening to that music reminds me of the good times my dad and I had and makes me appreciate when we had a relationship and he still communicated with me.  I don’t dwell on the silence he has allowed to grow between us.   

At some point in my college years, craving to know the words again, I bought George Michael’s “Faith” album.  How could I not?  I remember when the “Faith” video came out.  George wore acid-wash jeans, a black leather jacket, sunglasses, and a cross earring.  Oh, and his guitar.  The video contained some flattering butt shots.  

My aunt was still alive then, around 1988.  She watched a lot of TV and would leave it on MTV in hopes of seeing that video as much as possible.  I remember arriving on a Saturday at her house to her watching that video.  We could hear her high-pitched giggle from the front door.  My dad and I rushed to the dinner table to watch it with her and joined in the giggling.  

I think that moment amuses me more than most others in my life.  It didn’t get much better than hearing her laugh and watching George Michael shake it.