Duality September 27, 2009

I’ve thought all week about the last post I wrote and whether it’s a small issue or a big one.  I don’t want to fight about small stuff, if it doesn’t matter.   I don’t have to fight with Ex at all anymore.  That’s the good news.  

The bad news is that Little Guy only has me for a parent and no Dada.  That’s the gentle way of saying that his dad chose to end his life last Monday morning.  

A friend of ours told me this week that there’s nothing worse than seeing someone you love(d) dead by his own hand.  ”Great,” I said.  ”So it can’t get any worse, it can only get better.”  

Yes, I found him.  I had to.  Something wasn’t right that morning when I went to pick up Little Guy, and his dad had “gone for a walk in the woods in his slippers.”  

BIG. RED. FLAG.  

I took Little Guy to daycare where he’d be safe and headed back to the house with human support.  

Since that moment, everything has changed, well, almost.  My Mama still loves me.

No more fighting over what Little Guy eats because I have all the control over that.

I had gotten used to having nights to myself every week, but now I have none.  I have Little Guy every day which is wonderful and hard and has made me ask myself how single people choose to adopt a child.  Wow!  That takes a lot of strength to seek out.

I have a dog again.  The roomies love him and so do their dogs and cats.  

For everything I lose, I feel a gain.  I might feel differently in a year or when Little Guy starts asking questions.  I can’t replace his daddy, but I can fill a void.  I feel such appreciation for life and for Little Guy being in my life.  

I may never understand Ex’s choice, and I’m trying to let that go.  I want to instill in Little Guy what matters in life, including life itself.  It sounds a little complicated yet simple.

Defeat and Triumph September 15, 2009

I feel defeated.  

I picked up Little Guy yesterday from Ex-Hubby’s yesterday morning after my meeting at work.  I was backing out of the driveway when Ex came out of the house with a plastic bottle of root beer, opened Little Guy’s door, handed it to him, and said, “Don’t forget this!”

A look of disgust came over my face as I sneered and smiled at the same time toward Ex.  Nothing turns my kid into a whining, crying, hyper, inattentive alien child faster than high fructose corn syrup.  I have a hard time believing I birthed him when he acts like that, then again, he’s a 4-year-old angel most of the time.  

I left Ex’s house and didn’t respond to anything Little Guy had to say about, “My dad lets me have this,” or  ”I like this drink, Mom.” 

“Mmhmm,” was all I said.  

Before we had left the house, Ex blocked me into the bathroom and said, “And one more thing before you leave,” (I forgot what the first thing was, if he had one.) “Stop painting Little Guy’s fingernails.”

“Why?” I said.  ”He likes it.”

“Stop it.  Even females think you should stop.”

“He asks me to paint them.”

I looked at Little Guy, who looked at me, then we looked back at his dad.  I shrugged my shoulders and wished I would have told him to tell his testosterone-poisoned, homophobic acquaintances to suck my dirty, running socks and thank their lucky stars that he doesn’t do other things that would appall them more.  Ex backed out of the bathroom door jam, let me through, and Little Guy and I left.  

So, I ask myself, where’s my triumph?  Does it lie in peace of mind that Little Guy spends most of his time with me?  Does it lie with his future that he will stay the angelic child that I love and have raised?  Does it lie with the knowledge of balance in the world and in his life between us two opposing parents that he will grow up to make his own decisions based on the perspectives we have given him?  Does the triumph come in because I stand up to Ex now and for my choices and Little Guy’s, and that I didn’t agree to stop painting his nails?  Or is it all of that?  

No, it’s not about winning the battle(s) to me.  It’s still about being strong and trying to open up Ex’s resistant mind (no, I don’t know why I keep trying) and keeping Little Guy’s mind active, positive, and aware.