Increase the Caffeine June 20, 2009

After drinking tea for 7 months rather than coffee, I switched back to coffee.  Life got too crazy for me to put up with tea.  I needed the real stuff.  I knew the truth when I started brewing my morning cup of tea with two tea bags.  

“Forget it,” I said.  ”I’m back on coffee for the summer.”

That was two weeks ago.  Life. Is. Great!  I can’t believe I ever quit this fantastic habit that makes me feel almost normal.  

One surprise:  I thought I would require less coffee every day after having tea for so long.  Turns out, I need 5 cups a day to feel like a normal person.  I started with 3, went to 4, and after yesterday, I decided on 5. Maybe it’s just the day.  I’d like to stick to 4, but with prepping the Ranch for our first wedding of the season, finding out last Saturday that I have to find a new place to live, working at the busy restaurant and a looming breakup with Boyfriend, I need all the coping assistance I can find in my daily java.  I’m going to drink really good, organic coffee this go-round.

Four more months, then no more weddings.  Until then, I’m booked solid and working 6 days a week again.  Praise the stars, I have a full staff this year, so I will have time to be with Little Guy and date.  I want to stay single and unattached this summer, after I stop procrastinating said breakup.  I haven’t spent much time with Boyfriend in the last week and a half.  I’ve just worked.  I want to date like I want to try the flavors in a combo box of popsicles.  

I got a lead on a person who may be able to help me find a job in the City.  I gave 7 months of notice that I intend to leave the restaurant.  And she got mad and sad and cried.  

I feel like I’m in a big house where I have the keys to all the doors.  It feels good and a little stressful.

Two Big Silly Dogs June 20, 2009

After scheduling showers at various friends’ houses between the last housesitting gig at my Ex’s and this one that started yesterday, I am so happy to have hot water and get to shower at the same place every day for the next week.  

This house is half finished.  No, less than that.  The kitchen is done, as well as the bathroom.  In the bedroom, my friend set up a bed for me and a separate bed for Little Guy in the Master Bedroom closet, which does not have a door.  He also put night lights everywhere.  It’s handy for the 2 a.m. potty trip I make every night.  The rest of the house is 4×4s, floorboard and insulation.  I’m still thrilled to be staying here!

Little Guy also has his own creative corner where he can paint on the wall, play basketball, sit in a little chair just for him, and have the run of that part of the house.  This frickin’ rocks!  

I have two, 150-pound Newfoundland dogs in my care.  They have big, sweet faces and play gently with Little Guy.  What a relief after the April dogsitting adventure.  They remind me of small horses with drool.  They both got on the bed with me this morning when they heard that Little Guy and I had woken up.  I thought it was funny and sweet, even though the male layed his body across mine.  

I have to wonder, couldn’t we just live here?  I know that we can’t and that we have to move out of Girlfriend’s house.  I have an appointment to look at an apartment tomorrow morning.

TT – I’m Late June 19, 2009

I find it only appropriate to post this… late.  I also find this topic appropriate because I always run late.  Almost everywhere I go.  If you want me to be somewhere on time, tell me to be there 15 minutes before you want me there.  It works.  I swear.  

I have had this trait since forever, and I would blame motherhood, but in all honesty, I ran late before I had a child.  

I can trace learning this habit back to both my parents.  They both ran late almost all the time everywhere they went.  Hm, a pattern emerges.  I wonder if they learned it from their parents.  

I made it one of my goals last year to better prepare myself each night for the next day to nip this thing in the bud.  I still pick sleep or internet over prepping for the next day.  

So, I’m housesitting and dogsitting for the next week.  I started this morning.  Last week, my boss yelled at me for being late to work by 2 minutes.  Yes, 2 minutes.  My boss asked me to “Please get here 5 minutes early from now on.”  

The house is a little farther away from work than mine, but closer to the highway.  It took me 5 minutes to get to work today, and I had planned on 10.  That’s right.  I arrived at work 5 minutes early which gave me enough time to put my contacts in and apply blush and mascara all in time to start working… on time.  

I. Love. Housesitting. Here.

Happy Cat June 10, 2009

My cat is so happy right now.  He has draped his paw and head over my left arm, snuggled his body next to my leg and won’t stop purring.  Yes, it’s hard to type with him on me like this, and yes, I have a million other things I should be doing right now.  But he’s so happy.  

Wanting my kid and I to have separate beds motivates me to find a new living situation.  Seeing my cat so content also motivates me to find a place where we can live together again.  

Sorry, kitty.  I have to switch the laundry.  My mom is on her way to visit right now, and the sheets have to go in the dryer.  Also, Ex is coming home early from his trip, so I have one less day to do everything else that I need to do here, such as, more laundry, and getting the remnants of my things gathered and transported to my home.  My groceries and clean clothes are WAY organized.  

By the way, no one won the Scrabble game last night.  I started dozing off each time it wasn’t my turn, so I called ‘time out’ and went to bed.  We’ll finish the game tomorrow…or start a new one with my mom.  I was winning by about 30 points, though.

“Move Out. Don’t Mess Around.” – Yaz June 9, 2009

I moved my schtuff out of Ex’s yesterday.  The house feels a little bare, but lighter.  Maybe that’s how I feel, since I’m only wearing a bathrobe and I just pushed out a #2.  

One of my friends helped me do it.  Of course, I first asked him to join me for coffee in town.  I knew he would help a little, but I didn’t expect him to stay until it was done.  It only took a few hours, and he happened to have a ton of great boxes at his house to use, since he’s remodeling.  

I couldn’t find the list of what Ex and I had agreed on as far as splitting up the kitchen stuff, so that’s left to do.  Everything else is out of here and packed away.  A lot of my resentment went away, too.

On top of moving out, I started the day with a Triple Shot Mocha with whole milk and whipped cream and a peach muffin.  Then, I took the dog for a swim with the two dogs I will take care of later this month.  Next, I packed up my stuff, thanked my friend profusely for his help, picked up Little Guy from pre-school,and drove to Boyfriend’s work for Buffalo Chicken Pizza that he made for us.  (Have I mentioned the perks of dating a chef?)  Then, we three went to Target and the skateboard park.  

I had craved skateboarding all day like I crave caffeine in the morning.  I felt so much better after riding around for a while and trying to get better on the ramp.  Boyfriend told me that skateboarding is good for blowing off steam, and I had a lot of it yesterday.  Little Guy had us climb up to better see the purple sky of dusk before heading home.  

We got home and I put Little Guy to bed.  Just when I thought the day couldn’t get any better, Boyfriend presented me with a surprise.  I closed my eyes and held out my hands.  Scrabble!  We were too tired to play a round last night.

I can hardly wait to peel the plastic off the box and play the first game with Boyfriend tonight.  Momma, you’re going to get to play when you come to visit, too!

Fire Burn and Cauldron Bubble June 8, 2009

Normally, I look forward to housesitting for Ex-Husband.  Ten days this time.  He has TV (that I don’t watch but could), no roommates to schedule laundry days with, wireless internet, oh yeah, and more than half my schtuff is still here.  (Changing that tomorrow!  It’s really overdue on my part.)

This time, Ex left three baskets of laundry for me to fold, which I’m not gonna.  He also told me that since the cat had barfed on the chair, I had a lot of cleaning to do. I’m so glad that I told him Mom was coming to visit while he was away so that he would clean ALL of the bathrooms.  

He left paperwork for me to do, which I am gonna do what I can when I want to.  He didn’t ask me, but rather told me about it the day that he left via cellphone conversation.  

There was no, “Would you be able to do this tonight (Thursday), and tomorrow and the next day and the next day?”

There was no, “Do you have plans tonight because I need your help with finding 30 pieces of paperwork that are somewhere among the stacks of mail I haven’t really dealt with in 6 months?”

What I got was, “My dad’s going to call you tonight for some information that you’re going to have to find for him.  It won’t take long.”

Gara-guh-huh?  WTF?  

I wish I would have said, “I’m not your wife anymore, so I’m going to have to say, ‘no.’”  I should have said, “I have a date tonight and family night the next night and a double shift on Saturday, so that’s not going to work for me.”  But I didn’t.  I said, “Okay,” with hesitation and a note of resentment.

I have to admit the resentment has grown over 3 days. I have asked myself why, why, why do I have to still deal with all this crap?  I answer myself with many reasons, such as, karma, because I didn’t say “no”, and  because I trained him to expect so much from me…still.  

Rather than practicing the Art of Saying “No,” I’d like to practice the Art of Saying “Bite Me!  I’m not your wife anymore.”

Let’s say it together.  

BITE ME!  I’M NOT YOUR WIFE ANYMORE.  

And if he doesn’t listen, I can tell him to chew on my smelly, sweaty running socks.

Damn, I feel mean and unlike myself by writing all of that.

Balance? June 7, 2009

Last night after work as I enjoyed my shift drink, Duck Pond Cabernet (yum!), my friends and I were laughing over this situation:

We have internet at the house again, but only enough hot water for one person to shower per day.

I’m housesitting at Ex’s for 10 days and had looked forward to the unlimited hot water I would have here until…

Ex told me that the hot water has been going out and I would have to turn a dial to get it to work every day.  

Ha ha ha ha.  Joke’s on me.  In the big picture, it’s better than no hot water at all.  I can deal with lukewarm.  

I have another housesitting/dogsitting gig in a couple weeks.  Last night, I asked about the hot water supply there, and I will have oodles of hot water.  He said I could do laundry all day if I wanted to, and he would still have hot water.  I’m looking forward to that!

I won’t do laundry all day, but I will appreciate the abundance of hot water.

Perspective – Single Mom Life June 6, 2009

Last night as I was driving home at 10:00 p.m. with my drowsy kid in the backseat, I realized that in order for me, as a single mom, to have a social life and get things done, my kid has to go with me on occasion.  Sometimes, this means that he’ll be awake two hours past bedtime.  

I have criticized my mom in the past for letting me be such a night owl as a small child.  I didn’t have a bedtime really, so I stayed up until 10:00 p.m. every night when I was small.  I often would fall asleep on my dad while we watched the 10:00 news.  I don’t remember what time I had to get up every morning in order for me and my parents to get to wherever we had to be on time.  I can tell you that it was TOO DAMN EARLY!

Since having a child of my own and seeing the difference in behavior after a good night’s rest versus keeping him up late, I have convinced myself that I would have been more cheerful in the morning had a I either a) gone to bed earlier or b) gotten to wake up when I was ready.  Unfortunately for everyone involved in my life before 10:00 a.m. from childhood through my mid-twenties, it took a while for me to come around and act awake enough to function and be nice.  

So, here’s the pickle. Some nights I choose to have a life and go on dates with Boyfriend and my child, such as on Thursday.  Boyfriend’s idea, not mine.  Boyfriend’s pretty cool and gets extra points for that one.  Last night, I also chose to keep us out late in order to see Guy Roomie play guitar at a local bar’s Family Night instead of doing paperwork.  Paperwork never goes away.  Guy Roomie won’t be with us much longer.  I couldn’t be Responsible Jenniphur last night.  I needed to be Appreciating Life Jenniphur.  So, we stayed out late (9 p.m.) and then ran an errand.  

Most nights, I choose to stay in and let us get the rest we need.  As a single mom, I have to wonder how my decisions will affect Little Guy later in life.  I hope he appreciates what we do together, no matter what time we get to bed.  I also hope he appreciates how much I enjoy his company and spending time with him.  I want him to value the time he has with the ones he loves and the ones who love him.

excuse me as I vomit June 3, 2009

Excuse me as I vomit my entire life into this blog.  I cannot help it.  I hold many things back.  I cannot tell you the specifics of my dramatic day at work that made me wonder just what the hell I’m doing there…still.

I can tell you how much fun I had at Ex-Husband’s house when Little Guy gave him his birthday present.  I got him a balloon rocket from Little Guy.  It took an hour of playing with the toys at True Value yesterday to select the right gift and get what we went there for in the first place.  

I haven’t laughed so much with Ex and Little Guy together in a long time.  It felt good in a friendly, ex kind of way.  I thought the squealing balloons that chased all over the ceiling would make the dog unhappy.  Turns out, he liked chasing the squealing balloons as much as we liked watching them fly all over the house.  The cat had NO interest, but he didn’t bush his tail at them either.  

Happy Birthday, Ex.  Have a good first trip to Europe!

On a personal note June 2, 2009

I’m still living with Roomie and her family.  My room is almost always a mess.  I realized that this is due to having two people living in one room.  We’re enjoying it, even though we’re cramped.  Roomie finished the bathroom downstairs which made life a lot easier for everyone.  We still have just one shower and hot water issues at this time.  

Boyfriend and I have exited the Honeymoon phase of our relationship.  As he spent a month on the road, and I took care of his dogs and place, I realized more about myself and what I want from a partner.  I started a new list.  It includes some qualities that Boyfriend has, such as, that he likes to cook and we have a fabulous, passionate relationship, he’s great with kids, and we can talk about dang near anything without fear of offending the other.  He doesn’t have it all, though, and I’m starting to take issue with it, like the messy, messy house and religious differences and alcohol consumption.

Then, I started a gratitude journal.  I don’t write in it daily, but almost.  Mostly it contains the moments to cherish that happen between me and Kevin, like him staying right by me in the grocery store, or putting on pajamas when I tell him to.  What a good boy!  I love his age.  Anything good that happens or I think about, I write it down.  Sometimes, I write about the noises I hear in the field, like the frogs or the wind chimes, or coming home to herds of elk in the yard.  Talk about reverence!

I got approved for state aid to help with daycare costs today.  Holy fiddlesticks, I’m going to be okay for a while.  They will probably deny aid to me come winter.  We’ll see what happens.  Who knows where I’ll be living or working by then.  I’d like to get out of this mountain town.  I miss the city.  I miss opportunities.  I miss lots of live music venues.  I miss short drives to see live music that isn’t just hippie mountain music.  Nothing against hippies.  I just want more variety and zen centers and dance classes and color in my world.