Coffee Dreams September 29, 2008

One night last week during the short, fitfull time that I slept, I had a nightmare.  I dreamed that I went over to someone’s house to have coffee, but my friend had run out and served the three of us there glossy, clay mugs full of AIR. Not black tea.  Not green tea.  Not soda.  Air.  He was out of coffee.  

Out of coffee?  Out of coffee!  Nooooooooo!

I wish I could say that dream upset me so much that I woke up, but it didn’t.  I kept dreaming, but not about coffee.  

Anyway, I bought some pinion coffee the last time I went to the wonderful warehouse of 2-pound coffee bargains that I visit in Denver.  I used to like pinion coffee….in New Mexico….from the Owl Cafe.  That was 15 years ago, and I don’t even know if the Owl Cafe still exists.  My mom and I went there when we stayed in New Mexico on the way back from a depressing visit to Texas.  (I’m now craving chicken enchiladas from a tex-mex restaurant where we ate when there.  Yes, I know that it’s 9 a.m., and I must be bonkers.)  

I’ve been drinking this pinion coffee from New Mexico, and I don’t like it.  I like a dark roast that gives me acid reflux.  I like my coffee the same way I like my wine: so dark that I can’t see through it.  This coffee is a light roast that just doesn’t do it for me.  I can hardly wait to use it all up, so I can go back to my half-full bag of House Blend that I interrupted in my excitement to try the pinion coffee.  What a disappointment, but it could be worse.  

After my dream, I appreciate that I have coffee to drink, good coffee.  I don’t want to LIVE the nightmare.

Life is Crazy. (Talk Thursday – “Scattered”) September 25, 2008

Life is crazy.  Life is short.  You only live once (that you remember).  Life’s a bitch and then you die.  

The last one I don’t live by, but the first three have run through my head for the last few months.  I have acknowledged the power that I have in my life this summer from simple things like wishing for a teal, paisley shirt on a consignment store visit and finding it to craving pumperknickel bread and receiving some the next day.  

The more complicated wishes, well, you know what?  I got a phone call yesterday asking if I make certain documents.  This call came from a company who would still like to refer me out to their clients.  Today (after the sun comes up), I plan to call her back and say, “Hell, yes, I do those!  I mean, yes, I can make some kick-ass documents for your clients.”  Okay, I’ll tone it down a little more than that.  I was going to say that the more complicated wishes don’t come to fruition as easily, but I don’t believe that.

I was supposed to go to Denver last night for a wedding-business mixer/cocktail party that I had RSVP’d for.  I prepared myself as best as time would allow yesterday morning.  I didn’t have time to bring the outfit I would change into later with me to work, and I couldn’t decide what to wear.  After work, I borrowed a just-above-the-knee, plum-colored suede skirt and a teal jacket from my girlfriend, as well as, some of her handmande jewelry.  I felt prettier than a Stargazer Lily, and my hair behaved.  I had even brought my city shoes to change into once I got there.  

About 15 minutes into my trip, my check engine light came on.  Great, I thought.  Oil must be low again.  So, I pulled over and checked my oil.  No, the oil was fine and full and clean, not like the last time my check engine light came on in August.  I decided not to go to Denver.  That would have freaked me out to drive 4 hours round-trip by myself, and I didn’t feel like chancing anything.  I called home and said I had changed my plans.  

On top of going to Denver for the mixer, a bride that stayed at the lodge wanted to meet me in Downtown Denver to get some stuff from me that she had left behind.  I called her to say that today REALLY wouldn’t work, and I meant it this time.  I had tried to tell her this about 6 times throughout the day, but the car trouble halted everything.  

Life is crazy.   

I got home, changed into dull, house clothes, put my Little Guy to bed and worked in the office.  I made a cocktail to help me through the office time.  I felt like I shouldn’t miss out on a good drink, even though I didn’t get to go to the cocktail party.  I discovered that I wasn’t in the mood for a drink, and I left the glass half-full.  I went to bed early and thought about how much easier it would be to get up in the morning at 6, like I should, instead of 7, like I always do.  Well, it would have been, if I had had a full-night’s sleep.  

I woke up around 1 a.m., and it doesn’t make sense to have woken up so early.  I feel more peaceful in my mind than I have in a while.  Hm, I don’t know that that’s saying much, but I’ll take what I can get.  I was hungry when I woke up, and I needed to pee.  I’ve taken care of both those things.  I probably need water.  I have a feeling that the cocktail had some influence on my sleep pattern, even if I didn’t have much of it.  Maybe I should have had more.  An entire cocktail wearing off wouldn’t have woken me up until 7 a.m.  

My crazy schedule ends next week, and I won’t feel so pulled by too many obligations.  I swear some days I answer the phone, and I have to take a second to figure out where I am and what business name to say to get it right.  I’ll have time to focus and return phone calls and practice guitar, which I haven’t done in 3 weeks.  I canceled lesson for tomorrow…again!  I look forward to feeling more in control of my life and my work and wearing my girlfriend’s earthy jewelry that I borrowed.

Distraction and Forgetfulness September 23, 2008

I had a typical morning today.  I got up, made my coffee, got my kid up and we got ready to go.  On the mornings when I work from home, I let the dog ride in the hatch during the daycare commute.  Today was one of those mornings.

I got back and started in on my paperwork and leisure reading (no, not porn…today) on the damned, distracting internet.  I rose from the couch to get myself some breakfast, and the cat was sitting by an empty water bowl in the kitchen.  Attentive to his every need, I refilled the water bowl and waited for the click, click, click of the dog’s toenails on the wood floor coming to chase the cat away.  

I heard none.  I looked around for him.  ”Sunshine,” I called.  ”Sunshine?”

OH. MY. STARS.   I didn’t.  Did I?  Anxiety overtook me.  What would Husband say when I told him that I forgot about his beloved dog that he loves more than he loves me?  

I ran to the door and put on my shoes.  No dog on the porch.  Crap!  I kept running to my car.  Sunshine was lying down in the hatch.  (Readers, please know that we live in the mountains where it is not too cold nor too warm this time of year.)  I opened the door for him, and he looked confused before he jumped out.  I apologized and apologized some more and walked him inside.  He seemed relieved to be freed and ready for the next adventure.

Silly Question of the Day – Animals September 21, 2008

One evening while filling up the water bowl with our cold well water for my critters, a dog and a royal cat, I wondered, can dogs and cats get brain freeze?

Talk Thursday – The First Step September 19, 2008

The other day while reading blogs on my Tag Surfer, I read a blog about keeping one’s focus.  I tried to find the blog again just now, but couldn’t.  I wanted to give credit where credit’s due.  Anyway, I read it and thought about what I was supposed to have done that morning and didn’t and what I did instead.  I think this was on Monday.  Working too much for others gets in my way and the internet causes a major distraction for me.  Again, pros and cons to everything.  Money from all the work = good.  Keeping up with friends online = good, but distracting!

The first step, finding and keeping my focus requires that I regain control of my extracurricular internet time.  I use reading and chatting on the internet as a reward for all my hard work, but I think I may reward myself too much sometimes.  Writing doesn’t count as a distraction because it’s a necessity.

I can usually justify all of my actions, but sometimes, I have to admit, I’m just slacking or exhausted or let myself have a drink too early in the evening that zaps my motivation to work through the evening.  Maybe I just work too much.  Why do I feel like I always have to be working?  Why do I derive so much of my personal definition by working so much?  Shouldn’t I be working smarter, not harder?  Well, that’s my goal for the next year.  I don’t mind working.  I enjoy it, but I want to work in less physically demanding ways, and hope I sleep enough, since I will have a lot of extra energy if I’m not running my ass off 6 days a week. 

Time to exercise the first step of getting off the internet and doing what needs to be done.  Speaking of internet distractions, my mom just sent me an instant message.  She said what she wanted to say and went offline, saying she had to get back to working on her project.  She has admirable self-control at times.  

What stops you from achieving your goals and what do you do to overcome your roadblocks?

why September 18, 2008

I would love to post about this week’s Talk Thursday “The First Step,” but first I have to ask myself, why, why, why did I drink so much tonight?

And why, why, why did it taste so good?  

And why did I let myself go so long without a glass of delicious, delectable red wine?  

As soon as I can form more sentences, I will post.  Until then, I just checked in this weekend’s guests, and I hope I seemed professional.  I felt more organized in my thoughts because I had to think harder to remember everything I needed to say or ask.  I’m looking forward to their wedding this weekend and have looked forward to it all summer.  

Oh, and I ran into an old friend/co-worker today.  Wow!  Let me say it again, Wow!

Jenniphur

Talk Thursday – The Space in Between September 14, 2008

I feel like I need some space today, some quiet, some alone-time. If my kid wanted to tag along, I’d be alright with that.  Last week’s forced quiet served me well.  

We had an early night Friday night at work.  My girlfriend had taken the night off, so no hanging out after work for me.  No one else but me wanted to prolong the socializing.  I realized how much my girlfriend drives the energy there.  I used to control the a lot of the energy level, and now we feed off each other.  

I started home and had time to think during the space between work and home on our dark, near-empty highway.  I waved to the stars in the open, navy sky.  Erasure played on low volume so as not to wind me up beyond the point of winding down.  

I wasn’t ready to go home, but I had no where else to go, except a bar where I would usually go with my girlfriend.  I felt stripped of the one night of fun I get to have each week, the one night of female bonding available to me, the one night of laughing til I cry.  

At the town before my turnoff, I pulled over and turned off my car.  I stared at the sky.  The stars blinked back at me.  I didn’t feel like going to the local watering hole by myself, even though I’m sure I would have seen someone safe and familiar once I went in.  Even so, it didn’t appeal to me, so I turned the car back on and kept driving home.  

It wasn’t midnight yet, and due to a mental roadblock, I have something against walking over my threshold before midnight on Friday.  I did it anyway.  I came home before midnight.  I rebelled against myself.  I didn’t like doing it.  Coming home that early, at 11:22 p.m., sets an expectation that it will happen again, and I prefer not to disappoint. 

And this right now, I give to myself as my quiet time.  Husband works downstairs.  Little Guy sleeps.  Rice Krispies cool in a pan on the stove.  Well, what I haven’t yet eaten of them cools.  Dirty dishes wait for me to clean them.  My brain craves Nicole Torres’ music during dishwashing.  A long, busy week begins tomorrow.  I’m thirsty.

Talk Thursday – Back to School September 13, 2008

This time of year growing up, I’d be sweating my buns off in 90-degree weather.  Sitting in hard seats that my skin stuck to didn’t help the uncomfortable situation.  We’d all have mungus of some sort, much like everyone does now.  How can you not when you’re cooped up with hundreds of people and, later, changing desks 7 times a day?

Now, I live in a climate so different from where I grew up.  It’s fall already for another few weeks before it’s just winter for a long time.  We’re wearing our winter coats here and making a fire in the morning.  It snowed yesterday all morning.  The sun came out around noon, and all the snow around the house has melted since then.  Today, we have sunshine, blue skies and a cold breeze.  

All summer long, I’ve been telling myself that I didn’t want to live here another winter.  I think I say that every year.  Now that the cold weather’s here, I know that I will stay.  I conclude that every year, too.  

Nine months of winter: year 9.  Seeing that on the screen makes me feel more anxious than when I say it outloud.  Maybe I don’t want to live here another winter, but I will.  And I will be fine.

Know what I love? Coffee! September 1, 2008

Know what I love?  Coffee!  Not just any coffee, but fresh-ground coffee.  

I’m a busy, working mom like most of the mothers in the U.S.  In the summer, I get one day off a week.  On my day off, I grind a week’s worth of coffee beans and put them in my airtight container.  

I look forward to fresh-ground coffee day.  For one, I know that coffee that day will call my name with its scent and allure me with its taste.  For two, I will have time to sit and enjoy the perfection created in my 9-year-old Mr. Coffee.  

I know some of you will pooh-pooh my choice of percolators.  I bought it at Costco in 1999 for $20.  It has served me well over the years.  Why fix it if it isn’t broken?  Its downfall: The coffee only tastes good when I use a paper filter.  

A couple years ago, I tried to go green.  I got a reusable filter.  And you know what?  The coffee tasted weak.  It tasted like coffee that had been made with yesterday’s used grounds.  (I had a roommate who did that, and that was only the beginning of her strange habits.)  Not only did the coffee not taste right, the grounds kept coming through or over the filter, so the last swallow of coffee contained coffee bits.  I’d rather chew on a thought any day than course-ground coffee beans.  

Unless there’s chocolate involved.  Maybe I did it all wrong.  I should have stayed with the reusable filter and topped off the littered last swallow with some chocolate syrup.

That sounds like I would have to get up from where I’ve landed with my coffee.  The last thing my cranky, morning butt wants to do is get up from where I’ve settled.  I am NOT a morning person.  And taking the chocolate syrup with me sounds like a recipe for disaster with a 3-year-old in the house, so that’s not an option.  

No, I think I will stick with my current situation of paper filter, Mr. Coffee, and keep looking forward to my weekly fresh-ground coffee day.

Forced Day Off – Sit and Listen to the Music September 1, 2008

I have forced myself to take today off.  My body has forced this.  For the second day, I have a sore, swollen throat, more mucus than usual, much less energy than normal, and not much of an appetite.  I have the opportunity to take the day off, sit around, listen to music, think, and not speak or sing.  I prefer not to do the last two today anyway.  

Despite these circumstances, I have gotten about half a million loads of laundry washed and folded.  I have read all morning.  I have changed the sheets.  Laundry has piled up over the last few weeks, since I have spent more time working than normal, and I’m the only one who washes communal laundry like sheets and towels.  (Are you fucking kidding me?  I have to change this.)  Praise the stars that we are NOT the one-towel-a-day kind of people, like some of the people who stay at the property I manage.  

Today, I intend to clean up the kitchen, invoice my hours for August, pay some bills, vacuum, and put away the clean clothes that have gone back and forth from the bed to the ironing board for the last week.  I thought I would tackle one of the many paper piles that threatens to seize our living space.  I think that list may be too much for one day, a forced day off where I sit and listen to the music.  Right now, I’m listening to Nicole Torres, a woman whose music I openly adore.

At times, I think about creating my own playlist for my Facebook page, like some of my friends have done.  I have thought of a few more songs to add to this playlist I have yet to create.  Today’s song for everyone in my life: “Praise You” by Fatboy Slim. 

“Weve come a long, long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should.”

This song popped into my head today while I rinsed out the detergent cup.  I can’t stand a mucked up detergent cup, no matter how petty or stupid that sounds.  How can a person measure the right amount if the first quarter inch has hardened detergent in it?  For a while this summer, for the first time since we moved to this house 3 years ago, Husband started rinsing the detergent cup and leaving a little water in the bottom of it so it would stay unmucked.  (He used to rinse the detergent cup at our old place.)  I never praised him for reverting to his good behavior, and he has stopped doing it.  I should have praised him, and yet I tire from having to praise for every, itty-bitty task he performs.  I should have praised him.  

Husband headed out to run an errand for me.  The last thing I wanted to do was go anywhere, drive anywhere, walk anywhere.  I could go for a lounge in a camping chair on the deck, and that’s as far out as I would like to venture today.  Note to self: Praise and thank Husband for running your errand because you felt too wiped out to go anywhere today.  Not even when Little Guy and I were sick with Whooping Cough last October did I get this luxury.  

I should take myself up on that offer of lounging on the deck.  It’s a sunny, warmish day, and we have few of those left in the season.  The aspens started changing last week.  I promise to take better care of myself.  I’ll be locked inside tomorrow, back to work, so…

to the deck before it rains!